Journal

7:23pm: August September October of 2006
It's official..
This year's the worse experience I ever had in my entire life!
I mean, sure weird things had happened, but what had happened in from late August to October was just.. unbearable.

In the second last week of August, I had a family vacation at Disneyworld. We live in Canada, so we actually had to go on a plane. It's been years since I'be been on a plane. Anyways, 5 days at Disneyworld was fun, but I did miss my friends -- a LOT!

Little did I know while I was in another country, my green-eyed friend and my ex-girlfriend were starting to get close. I gave my green-eyed friend the key to my house before I left so he could use my printer. So one Saturday, he and my ex-girlfriend went over to my place to watch a movie marathon, and they ended up kissing -- in my freakin' living room!

How did I find out about this? Well, my green-eyed friend told me everything at around September 14. That was the same day he asked me how I would feel if he were to go out with my ex. The thing was that a lot of other stuff happened before he asked for my so-called "permission".

The week I got back from Florida, my green-eyed friend, my ex-girlfriend and her friends went up to a cottage up north. Even though I really wanted to go, I had work.. and I was informed about it on the last minute (wasn't able to book it off from work). Besides.. after finding out what had happened up in that cottage I don't think my green-eyed friend and my ex would want me to go with them. It turns out that they would secretely make out behind everyone's back.

September 14 was when he asked for my "permission".
September 15 was when they came out to the public with their official relationship.

That day when he told me everything was a really brutal day for me. While he was telling me all of the stuff that happened between them, my heart would race and it was really hard for me to breathe. An odd reaction I did not expect at all!

Before they became official we went to CNE (a place with rides and stuff.. kinna like the carnival). And he told me how they would kiss whenever I wasn't looking. T___T
I just felt so... I don't know!
But the whole thought of it just upsets me!
There showed fireworks at that place at night. Obviously, I would be looking UP at the sky watching the fireworks. As I was being amazed by the lights, I thought to myself, 'Wow, it's really nice to watch the fireworks with your friends'
While I was thinking that, they were right behind me making out.
LITERRALLY SUCKING EACH OTHER'S FACES BEHIND MY BACK!

I was.. well, am.. angry.
But it was for many reasons.
First of all, he (my best friend -- green-eyed friend) lied to me when I asked him if there's anything going on between them. I asked him that a few days after I got back to Canada. But his reason was justified, so I understand why he wouldn't tell me right away.
It's just that I felt so stupid when everybody (all of our friends) would say that they are going out, and I was the only person to say, "No, they're not". I really believed him when he said there's absolutely nothing going on between them, so I just threw away that gut-feeling (that they were up to something).

There were a lot of confusing emotions.
Frustration, jealousy, sadness, betrayed, etc.
I don't even know WHY I keep getting sucked into that emotional cycle. I hate that cycle: jealousy -> betrayed -> frustration -> sadness.

It sucks really.. because in the end of every day, I just end up being miserable. I don't like the fact that I get upset whenever I find out that they're going out -- that's just not friendly at all. Plus, I know I should be happy for the both of them. They finally found someone they're happy with. His heart was recently broken by someone else, and she had jackass boyfriends (in the past --- yeah, I can say that includes me).
They deserve to be happy with each other.

I tried thinking that way.. but my anger just takes over.

At one point, I felt inferior compared to my green-eyed friend. He has everything, and now he has what I used to have --- my ex.
Just when I was about to hit rock bottom, something unexpected came up. I was asked on the streets if I'm interested in modelling. Feeling like my life is useless, I signed up and gave her (the woman who approached me) my contact information.
A week later they called and asked if I'm still interested for an interview. I obviously said yes and went to the interview.

The guy who interviewed me liked me and everything was going really well, so I got a call back. I got so many compliments from him that I was starting to think he was over exaggurating -_-

At the second interview, that guy was more picky than the first one.
And on that same day, he booked me my first photoshoot (for my portfolio).

I thought the whole thing was a scam, but they said they're willing to pay for all of the expenses, so why not try it out?

It's weird that that modelling thing came up at that week.
After going through all of that stuff I figured, 'Wow.. I would never have gone through with this if I jumped [in front of the subway train]'
Feeling miserable does that to you.

My photoshoot was on Saturday Oct 14. And on the day before that, I had a date with this girl I recently met. Heh, I would never imagine having a week planned out like that.
Friday: Dinner Date
Saturday: Photoshoot

But even after going out with someone a couple of times, and with that modelling thing, I still get the same reaction whenever I think about my green-eyed friend going out with my ex (vice versa).

Saturday October 21: My ex-girlfriend called me and asked if I can go with her to the library. I went with her, looked for her stuff in the library, and had lunch at this place. We talked things out. She wanted to hear my version of things --- how I feel on her newfound relationship. I didn't want to talk about it at first, but she gave me no choice. Now she knows how their relationship bothers me. In the end, it was great to have things half-settled.

Monday October 23: I called my green-eyed friend (long distance of course --- he goes to University of Waterloo). We sorted things out.. kinna like how I had that conversation with my ex two days ago. I told him how I'm kinna okay with the whole thing, and that I woudln't go into my sucky-angry mode again.

Saturday October 28:
We went to Screemers. It was me, my depressed-friend (who at that time wasn't depressed at all), my green-eyed friend, and my ex-girlfriend who went. It was ok at first. It's just that the day started with a headache >_<
I'm glad I carry Tylenol with me.
Once we got there, those two started making out.
THAT pissed me off.
I mean, I was ok with the both of them together, but to make out.. in front of me especially when they know that it bothers me?!
Best friends don't do that. But then again.. I don't think the thought of me getting upset for being intimate with his girlfriend even crossed his mind.
I thought my ex-girlfriend would be more understand --- being a girl and all. And she did say she wants us to be good friends. Well, good friends don't do that as well.
Second half of Screemers was just bad. By that time, I didn't even want to be there anymore. The only thing that was running through my head is how inconsiderate they both are.
I ignored the two of them.. actually, I didn't even feel like talking.
And I actually snapped at him in the subway on the ride home.

After dropping off my ex, and our other female friend, things just got awkward. I tried to talk to him normally, but just as I suspected he was fed up:
"I'm sick of this. Either you get over it or go home," he said.
Cold.. very cold.
But instead of being sad about it or instead of apologizing, I just said, "Fine"
and walked ahead of him.
Unfortunately, walking ahead of him didn't do any good... we still had to take the same bus to go home.

While hiding behind a column in the bus station, I stared at the ceiling and thinking of just disappearing. I was behind the column because I wanted him to go on the bus first, then I would just wait for the next one. All of the sudden it felt like I was being watched, I turned around and there he was leaning against the same column.

"This is quite far from your bus stop," he said.

Completely shocked all I was able to say was, "what?"

Again awkward silence. He was busy texting on his cell phone while blasting rock music into his ears. I took out my mp3 playing device and did the same.

In the bus, I sat beside him. By that time, I wasn't upset anymore.. all that frustration was converted to sadness and regret.

Normal people would apologize at this point.. but then again normal people wouldn't react the way I did. One of my biggest problem is my difficulty to say "I'm sorry".
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's so easy to type it out, but I just can't say it at all!

We made casual conversations. I initiated them. Heh, at least I have the guts to do that.


Tuesday October 31:
My green-eyed friend and my ex-girlfriend would usually meet up on Tuesdays. He didn't have any classes and she's willing to skip one class. They spent the entire day together doing what they do. Make out no doubt about it T_T

Anyways, he came over at my place at 1am. We played video games, then he fell asleep. Don't blame him for being that tired.
Then I started to assume things like maybe he's tired from all those make out sessions they did.
OR THE HE'S TIRED FROM ALL THAT SEX!!!

I tried to snap out of it.
He would usually tell me about his relationships, but this time he's leaving me in the dark. He knows I would have that heart-attack-like reaction.
In a way, I'm glad he isn't telling me anything.
But at the same time, by leaving me in the dark, I start to create my own story of what they do -- I get paranoid.

I'm so weird.
Somtimes I would want them to do such things --- fun things couples do. But most of the time, I would get upset over it.
I bought my ex-girlfriend these candy lingerie for her birthday (Sept. 19). And I meant it when I told her that she should use it.

But then.. on that same week, I would cry every night for weeks.
-_- If anything.. I can say I'm turning Emo.


Thursday November 2:
Online I had a talk with my green-eyed friend. This was the final time we would sort things out regarding this "problem" of mine. I recently found out why I react the way I did, and I explained that to him.

So things are cool between us. It's just that it would take time before I'm completely over it. And I guess it'll be a while before I get to hang out with the both of them.
Wouldn't want to open up a healing wound.


It's a new month and I hope my problems would eventually solve itself.
It's just a matter of time.

11:47am: My Ignorance
My dog died out of ignorance yesterday. Out of her owner's ignorance - my ignorance. I was careless and she was able to get out of the house. She tried to run across the street, but she didn't make it. A fast moving van hit her on her bottom half which sent her flying a few feet from the collision. The van only slowed down -- he didn't stop.

She got up and limped her way to an island (in the middle of the road) while crying in pain. It was a red light so the van had to stop.. T__T gee, shouldn't he have stopped when he saw her running across the street? He's suppose to be alert at all times.

My brown-eyed friend who was right beside me stopped screaming and started saying, "oh no.."

Liquid came out of her, but it wasn't blood. I later on found out that it was urine.
'That's not good'

My dog managed to walk across in front of the stopped van that hit her and sat next to one of its wheels. I ran out to get her not even paying attention to the oncoming vehicles on the other lane.

She growled at me at first, but I picked her up and immediately walked towards my house, set her down on the kitchen floor and called my sister.

My sister told me to call the vet and ask until what time they're open and that she will go get the van from my dad's workplace. So I called the vet, and said I should get her (the dog) in as soon as possible.

I decided to call in a cab.
Fortunately, my brown-eyed friend was with me the entire time.
I was holding my dog wrapped around her own blanket during the ride. I could feel her breathing getting faster and more erratic. The cab driver was taking his time puching in numbers and swipping my debit card on his interac machine. Then for some weird reason the driver said that it wasn't accepted. Luckily I brought a bunch of change with me.

Blood came out of her mouth while the vet was still trying to figure out what was wrong.
My brown-eyed friend and I were kicked out of the room just when they were about to start the X-Rays.

A few minutes later, while waiting in the ready room, one of the assistance came out and said, "She's breathing's shallow. Do you want us to resuscitate her?"

I was confused, "huh?"

"Do you want us to perform CPR, or induce medicine?"

"Uh. Yeah!" I didn't get it. Actually, I still don't get why they must ask the owner if they still want to continue saving their pets' lives. Aren't they suppose to try and save her life no questions asks?

I gestured my brown-eyed friend to sit, but she said she can't because she's anxious. Then she asked me, "What are you thinking right now?"

I looked at her with a confused face, "huh?"

"You're not saying anything, so I'm wondering what's going through your head," she explained.

"Ohh. Well... I... don't know."
Which was true. Sure I was feeling anxious as well, but there's a greater part of me that felt guilty --- and I still do feel guilty.

My sister arrived just when the doctor came out of the room where they were working on my dog. My sister was already teary.

The doctor said, "I'm sorry. She didn't make it." Then he started explaining the process he did to try and save her (using a bunch of medical terms of course).

I would've been able to hold back my tears if it wasn't for my sister crying right beside me. So looking down on my lap where my dog's favourite blanket was placed, tears started to fall.

The vet and my sister talked about what happens to the body, then we left to go home.
I can't believe she didn't make it.. she has always been one stubborn dog.

Once we were home, my sister went straight into her room, and my brother came downstairs and asked where the dog was. I looked at my brown-eyed friend and back at my brother. Then I told him to ask my sister.

Just when my brown-eyed friend and I were about to leave my house (unlocking our bikes), I saw my mom walking towards the house. I guess she just came home from work.
My mom looked so happy.. and it saddens me more knowing that she'll be devastated once she hears the bad news.

Riding on our bicycles, on the way to her house, we talked about how I felt and what I should do once I get back home.

She was very supportive and I hugged her before we said "bye" to one another.

Once I got home, I started collecting all of my dog's diaper pads. They were one in each floor and I don't want anyone to see it again. It'll just remind them of the puppy we had.
My dog was only less then 2 years of age. She would've been 2 years old in July 1st of this year.

I was sweaty and there were still some fur on my shirt, so I took a shower, then went directly to bed. On my bed with teary eyes my brother was waking me up, but I pretended to be asleep.

After a few hour, my mom woke me up and told me how she went to the vet clinic and saw her (our dog). And how by the time she got there.. she was still warm. I could tell my mom has been crying for hours. I was semi-concious on my bed staring at the white wall of my bedroom with my watery eyes. Then she told me how it was weird in the morning because she (the dog) didn't greet her (my mom) for the very first time, and when my sister was out in our backyard with her (the dog), she (the dog) didn't even look at my sister. I found that awkward.
'Did she know she was going to die today?'

My mom told me to wake up and to go downstairs to eat. After she left, I gained full conciousness and just started crying some more (and also sobbing).
My cell phone rang. It was my green-eyed friend wondering what had happened. My brown-eyed friend informed him of the collision, but nothing else other than that.
I was still sobbing, so he had to wait a minute or so until I could speak.

It was embarassing enough that my brown-eyed friend saw me in tears earlier, now my green-eyed friend heard me sobbing on the phone -_-
Then he asked if he can drop by.

I got out of my bed and washed my face. I was shocked to see my reflection. The rim of my eyes were bloddy red.

My mom and my brother were crying in the kitchen while my mom was talking on the phone. I guess she was informing my dad. So I stepped out of my front door to see him.

We talked. And my brown-eyed friend was right - he (our green-eyed friend) has his way with words. He consoled me and at one point he managed to get my mind out of it.

I walked with him outside. He was heading home, and I thought I needed to take a walk. We walked through a strange path. A path that requires to cross a lit up soccer field at night and to go over a stationed freight train.

"Ever been on a freight train?"

"No," I answered.

"Good. And that's why I have this camera."


He went in his house by 11:11pm, so I jogged my way back home. I looked at the time: 11:36pm. 'Wow, I made it in 25 minutes. That's fast.'
During that jog.. I remembered something.
My dream from last night: Three guys pretending to be a pizza delivery guy, a cop, and some other dude pursuaded me to open the door for them. I was suspecting something weird, and I know I should've asked the cop for proof that he was a cop, but I opened the door anyway. And it turns out that they were robbers. They went in my house and I just ran out. Fortunately I had my cell phone in my pocket and tried to call 911, but I kept getting the wrong number. I even thought to myself, 'HOW HARD IS IT TO CALL 911?!' And I never did get to contact the authorities.

I met up with my dad at the front door. I seems that no one was opening the door for him. Good thing I had the key then.

I finally ate something at midnight. The last time I ate was at 2pm (10 hours ago). I was surprised to have not eaten for that long period of time, because I usually eat every 2 hours.

I slept late. My green-eyed friend and I were chatting online until 4am.

That night I dreamt that in a classroom setting, Benjamin McKenzie and this girl was sitting together (the classroom has columns of students sitting with 2 seats right beside one another). Mischa Barton was behind Ben.
Then Ben started to hold that girl (he was sitting beside) in a warm embrace.
And I thought, 'It must be nice to be held by someone'.

1:21am: I just broke up with my girlfriend a minute ago. I know I should've done it in person, but I really had no choice but to do it online --- using instant messages >__<
I think of people who break up with other people online as jerks and/or a coward. And I can't believe I just became one of them.

My green-eyed friend broke up with his girlfriend by sending her an e-mail. I told him not to do it, but he did it anyway. I called him a jerk for that.

For the past few weeks my girlfriend had been planning to go out with me, and I kept on giving her excuses to why I can't go out. But the only real reason was that I just didn't want to go out. Why? Well, the reason I told my friends was that I just can't be myself whenever I'm with her... it's like I have to put up a facade just so she'll like me. We've known each other for 5 years now and we've been in an on and off relationship since then.

I didn't feel bad for canceling our dates the first few times, but then overtime I realized that what I'm doing to her is extremely unfair for her. And I still can't believe she stayed with me throughout that entire time. Any girl would be fed up. I guess I expected her to break up with me. Seeing that that didn't happen, I had to do it myself.

"I know you're going through a rough time right now..and I understand," she said, "It's not that big of a deal."

I can't believe she just said that after all the disappointment I've been giving her since we got back together (which was 3-4 weeks ago).

"Don't tell me I deserve more. I know what I want.
I like you for who you are..not for who you could be."
Wow.. it was like she read my mind.
That was exactly what I was about to tell her --- that she deserves more, that she doesn't have to stay with an awful boyfriend (me).

I don't even exactly know what happened: why my feelings for her just disappeared onced we officially got back together. And a few days ago..she wanted to make out, but I just pushed her away. The next day, I regret doing that.

Finally, I told her about my feelings towards her. That I am unsure of it and that I just want to be alone. She understood and said that she'll always be there for me.
I can't believe someone cares for me that much.

On the bright side she said that we could still be friends which is great because she's really fun to hang out with.
T____T So why did I cancel nearly every date we planned? I DON'T KNOW!


I don't know what I want anymore.


After our conversation, I felt empty and just listened to the song that reminds me of her the most over and over again. It was the song that played when I first asked her to dance with me (at a school dance).

I'm gonna go sleep for hours now...
Nite.

11:00pm: I called my girlfriend in the morning to cancel on our lunch date. She has a full time office job and she wanted me to go downtown and meet up with her. I made up an excuse and lied to her by saying how I was feeling ill. Well, I was ill.. just not physically. And I just didn't feel like going out.


Noon: I got a call from my brown-eyed friend, "I quit!" lol, this is the second job she has quit on the first day! Well, I don't blame her for quitting on this job. She was doing manual labour work in some packaging factory -- and it isn't just any packaging factory. It specializes in meat packaging, so just imagine the smell of the working environment.


At around 2pm, my brown-eyed friend and my green-eyed friend showed up at my house. "Can we take a shower?" lol
They needed it... she smelled a bit disgusting, and he just smelled nasty! Apperently they get really dirty during work especially for him.
The smell was so bad that it made me gag!

We hung around my house for hours, then on the way to dropping them home, I told them that I was upset and was totally bummed out. She said she has a feeling because I wasn't talking much when they came over last time, and he said it felt like I didn't want them there at that time (which isn't true).

So yeaah.. I know I specifically wrote in my previous entry that I wouldn't initiate any conversations with them, but things changed specially after I had a talk with my posh-friend. I told my posh-friend about the whole disappointed thing with those two and she gave me an outsider's perspective. Even though her assumptions weren't 100% accurate she still had a good point. I realized that I'm expecting too much and that by acting that way I'm being selfish ¬_¬
But hey.. I've been waiting for this every since Autumn of 2005!
So in order to deal with it.. I just lowered my expectations and not get any more high hopes on what's to come for this summer.


It's amazing how my perception on things changed within less than 24 hours.
So.. yeah.. I take back everything I said in this entry.
Haha, I'm such a weirdo.

11:35pm: Problems
It's been a while since I wrote an entry. I thought I wouldn't need it -- this journal. But I guess I still need it to vent out the sadness and confusion in my life.

I thought I had it under control, but I was too optimistic and part of it was because I stopped caring. On Friday May 5th, while I was at work I found out that I am academically suspended. I had a feeling I would fail at least one or two of my courses. That was why I enrolled for summer courses. I was even prepared to be in probation, but I forgot the consequences for failing three courses. I did better than I expected with my other courses.. it's just the 3 Fs that's screwing me over. Why didn't I just drop it when I had the chance to?
I can't seem to find the answer for that one. I knew I should've listened to a friend of mine that suggested I transfer to another program that I'm good at. The problem with that is.. I don't know what I'm good at. The thought of me not having any unique skills hit me quite hard last year, so I really don't want to think about that.

Not going to school for this september will obviously change my entire way of living. I'd be at home almost 24/7 because not going to school would mean I can't stay on my part time job (it's a student job and they require proof that you are a student). I suppose I can just apply for another job, but... I dunno.

What I want to do is to transfer to another program. Obviously in the science field...
Dammit! Why do most science programs require biology? I have never taken biology!
I want to get into the Chemistry program.. but I checked it out.. -_- it needs bio.
I just hope they woudln't look at my high school marks (because they would know I didn't take biology). Well.. my first year marks aren't the greatest, but if you just isolate chemistry, calculus, linear algebra, and my computer programming marks, then hopefully they'll still.. take.. me.. in?

I'm not sure how long my suspension term is.. but I can't afford to stay at home. My friends will start to ask questions.
And I don't want to fall behind.. all of them will be moving onto 2nd year, while I stay at home doing nothing.




On the same day I found out I was suspended from school... I kissed my exgirlfriend.
At that time I didn't know I would be suspended, or else I wouldn't have done it. A group of my friends, my exgirlfriend, and I went out for lunch to celebrate a friend's birthday. When we were finally alone together, I told her something like, "I want you to know how I feel towards you, but you and I both know I'm not good with words so.." then I leaned towards her and kissed her on the lips. It wasn't a long kiss. It was a simple kiss.

She was still for a second and then said, "Are you serious?" Then I told her how I can't stay and talk about it because I was already 20 minutes late for work. "Yes, I'm serious. I'll call you later and we'll talk about it." She was smiling the entire time.


The next day, I had work so I wasn't able to tell my parents about my new academic standing. I also couldn't call my ex. I just simply didn't know what to tell her. My feelings for her aren't strong... but they are feelings nonetheless. After finding out I was suspended, the whole wanting-to-get-back-together just vanished from my mind, and I started to regret I ever kissed her. I kept on asking myself why did I had to kiss her on that day. I could've just waited another day or so, then I wouldn't have done it.

My ex called me saturday night.. wanting some answers, but she said it's better if we do it in person.

I was woken up by Sunday afternoon and was told to get ready to go out for lunch. It was my parents' anniversary. 'I can't tell them about my suspension on their anniversary,' I thought.

I didn't get to call my exgirlfriend to have "the talk". I was feeling ill and just crashed on my bed as soon as we got back from lunch. I woke up really late that day.

Monday: I was out with my friends and by the time I got home, my parents were already asleep.

Tuesday: My parents found out. My ex was starting to get upset with me for not calling her. Luckily my green-eyed friend calmed her down before I got to talk with her.


Wednesday: After dropping off my friends to their house, my parents had a talk with me. It was harsh. I expected it and even mentally prepared for it, but in the end after my long conversation with my parents, I went up to my bedroom and cried. I thought then, 'Why am I crying? I don't deserve to cry. It's my fault I failed. There's no one to blame but myself'
Even though it wasn't a full-blown cry, there were still tears.

After wiping away the tears, I called my exgirlfriend and directly told her that it was a mistake bringing it out in the open. I'm usually not a direct guy, but at that time I didn't care. I just wanted to clear my mind.

I thought she would get mad specially after I told her the reason why I think it wouldn't work out (our relationship). I told her how she's a great girl and all, but I also told her how her nagging annoys me.

She was very persistant and just couldn't take NO for an answer. I guess she likes me more than I expected.

After talking for hours on the phone arguing back and forth, I caved in. She said she'll try not to be so naggy and that I should tell her if she does it (the whole "high maintenance thing").
I guess we're officially back together now.


Thursday (today): It was such a bad weather... I felt like crap the whole day. I was woken up by a phone call at 1pm. Waking up late is always a bad sign --- for me anyways.
The friends that I've been hanging out with almost everyday for the past few days (my green-eyed and brown-eyed friends) didn't know what to do today.

There reallly was nothing to do at home... My entire body was somewhat sore, and I was already mentally/emotionally drained from the time I woke up. I keep thinking of what my parents had told me. My mom who's disappointed in me, and my dad who's upset with me. Someone told me this is just a "bump" in the road.. and also a wake up call to change my study habits. I wasn't sad the first day I found out I was suspended, and I thought it wouldn't affect me much (emotionally). But as the days pass, the hope of having a good future is starting to dissipate. Pessimistic thoughts are starting to come about. Just typing out this paragraph is making me teary.

It didn't bother me when my brown-eyed friend complained about her life, but now.. it's annoying me..
How could she say she doesn't have a future?
Just because she currently doesn't have a part-time job, doesn't mean she will do well in the long run. She's not the one suspended from school!
She has no right to be more sad than me..

.. I can't be mad at her. She's been there for me the entire time. Her and our green-eyed friend. I guess she's just at a "higher level" of unhappiness. She doesn't even NEED to work. Her scholarship and OSAP covers her. I for one need to pay for the rest of my tuition. OSAP doesn't give me a lot of money.

Man.. I thought I wouldn't cry about this,
but I guess I was wrong.

3:48am: The Waterloo Trip
Last weekend (Friday April 07 - Saturday April 08).

My exgirlfriend and her friend wanted to go to University of Waterloo for the weekend. He (my ex's friend) was going to visit his girlfriend who goes to that school. They started going out since high school. I can't believe they're still holding on strong. Hey, I thought long distant relationships are suppose to weaken that bond, but I guess they really must like each other. I was so excited that I called my green-eyed friend on the minute they discussed about it. I had to use my cell. -_- Yeah.. it was a long distance phone call. My green-eyed friend goes to that university and so does our female-gym buddy. Hey.. since my gym membership expired recently T_T I guess I should start refering to my female-gym buddy as my brown-eyed friend. Hehe, what? I ran out of ideas, ok? Besides, it's reasonable to refer her with her eye color; she and my green-eyed friend are my best friends :)
Sure I haven't known them since elementary school.. in fact I just started to get close to them in Grade 12 (senior year in high school), and that's just over one year ago!

I set everything up preparing for this Waterloo thing. I thought I would have problems with work, but it was actually with my mom -_-
I asked her and she said "no". I asked why and she directly said, "Because you'll sleep with her."
T___T She was refering to my ex-girlfriend.
Just because we started to hang out more often for the past couple of weeks, she assumes that we got back together.
>_< I can't believe my own mom just said that to me.
Then she went on explaning how I'll end up doing bad stuff like drinking and stuff.

"ME? Drink? The guy who stopped drinking carbonated drinks and barely eats junk food?" It's all true. I don't drink a lot of carbonated stuff since 2005, and since New Years of 2006 I completely stopped taking in all that stuff into my system. I guess that was one of the greatest influence my green-eyed friend gave me. He's such a health nut.
My mom then explained how if I was anything like her, then I'm bound to drink since with a group of friends. In other words she was telling me that peer pressure will get to me.
Well, she's right about that. I mean, before I asked for my mom's permission, my ex and her friend were planning on buying a lot of alcohol and drink.

>_> "I want to finally see you get drunk," she directly told me. Ever since that story came out when I got "drunk" in some girl's birthday party a couple of years ago and did some crazy stuff a lot of people expect things from me. But the truth was I only buzzed, turned red like a tomato and laughed a lot (which is how I'm like usually - the laughing thing). Some people in the party claimed I made out with some girls.. but I can't recall doing such things. Did I?

Anyways, my mom finally caved in when I kept on telling her that it wouldn't happen to me and how I'm gonna be mostly with my green-eyed friend. My mom's ok with him. Actually, I think she thinks he's a good influence on me: he bodybuilds, stays fit, and has good grades. "Go ask your dad," she said.

I asked my dad the next day and he said, "ok."
:)


Friday -
I left my house in the morning carrying my school backpack, a bag with all my spare clothes, a plastic bag with my work uniform (because I had work the next day), and a sleeping bag. It was awkward going on the bus and in the subway train to school carrying all that luggage (especially the sleeping bag), but I eventually gotten used to it.

I would've skipped school that day, but I had a Chemistry Laboratory Exam from noon to 3pm.
As usual, I finished 30 minutes early and got out by 2:30pm.

I was surprised that my ex was going afterall. She was reluctant to go at first, because she has a major Physics test on Tuesday and how she has this school even going on on Saturday. I pursauded her to go at first, because I do want her to go, but then it hit me. If she was go to.. who will she hang out with but me? She can't hang out with her friend because he'll be busy with his girlfriend. Before, she went to Waterloo to meet up with her boyfriend. Yeah.. he goes to Waterloo. They recently broke up (like a week ago) so she can't meet up with him or else it'd be really weird. So yeah.. that would mean she would have to hang out with me.
I didn't like that idea even though my feelings for her were coming back. I mean, I think I've always liked her ever since I broke up with her. So why did I break up with her in the first place? OH right.. because I was (actually still am) confused about my sexual identity!
The reason why I didn't want her to hang around with me all the time was that I want to spend my time in Waterloo with my best friends. I mean, I rarely see them. ¬_¬ even though my brown-eyed friend told me she would visit at least twice a month. But I understand in what situation she's in. It's just not do-able - too much school work. Last time I saw them was during reading week. And I also want to meet their friends. If my ex was to be with me, things would get awkward specially if I was to meet with this particular friend of my green-eyed friend. She's the flirty kind, "I can't wait to meet the boy from Toronto".

So I was relieved that she coudln't go.. but I guess she changed her mind on the last minute. My posh friend (who my ex talks to time to time because they're in the same school) told me the only reason she wanted to go was because of me. She told me how my ex still has feelings for me... that was also one of the reasons my ex broke up with her boyfriend.

I guess she still has feelings for me afterall.


I met up with my ex after my exam, and we walked to the bus terminal. It was my first time riding a Greyhound bus. And more importantly, it was my first time going out of the city by myself (err.. well, not with people older than we are)!
My family and I had been to other places, but I was only with her who's the same age as I am.
"It's not that of a big deal you know. We're just going to Waterloo," she kept on reminding me. I don't like whenever she says that. It just kills the mood. It was my first time going to Waterloo -- a place I heard so much about from my friends, but never seen it in person. It's like... one of the Wonders of the World or something.

We talked with each other throughout the entire bus ride. I'm surprised we didn't run out of things to talk about.

My ex and I met up with my green-eyed friend in his residence's lounge area. I was surprised to see him in his summer clothes. That's the great thing living in res. it's like everyday's like summer. You can go to your lectures wearing only a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. ¬_¬ well it's way better than wearing a thick winter/spring/fall jacket!

His room was small and it didn't smell like your "typical guy room". I agreed when my ex said, "It's smells like a girl's room". My green-eyed friend was taking pictures of my ex at one point while I was right beside her, sharing the same chair, and I was in the way so I bent down so my head would lay on the table. After taking the picture my green-eyed friend stood up (he was taking pictures from his bed) and just blurted out, "Hey, nice boxers! I thought underwears were only suppose to show like that with girls," he then looked at my ex and said, "yeah, he converted to boxers since I wear 'em."
O_O I couldn't believe it!!!
I wouldn't mind him commenting about my boxers and the fact that I did recently converted from briefs to boxers, but he said that in front of my ex! AND just for the record, I didn't switch to wearing boxers because he wears them too. T_T I just want to test them out. And besides... my briefs are becoming too tight on me (wow, I guess I'm still growing). Feeling embarassed, I sat up looked at my green-eyed friend and quickly looked at my ex. She smiled at me and said, "Oh yeah? Let's see."
With mixed emotions, I wasn't able to think. So I just ended up laughing and said, "Uhh, no". We dropped off our stuff and went down to the caf. My ex's friend and his girlfriend showed up and decided to have dinner at the plaza. Unfortunately my green-eyed friend had this Computational Physics Exam to write.

Dinner: It was the first time I ate raw seafood. And... it was.. alright I guess. It felt weird at first and the thought of raw fish in my mouth just amplified the weirdness, but I eventually got used to it.

We walked around campus, went to the arcades and played foosball. My ex's friend is very competitive. Like that time we went to the gym, he said it's impossible for people our size to leg press more than 60 lbs. I disagreed with him because I do more than 60 lbs. He couldn't believe it, so I had to show it to him. He would increase weight everytime I was able to do it up to... I think it went up to 100 lbs or something (can't remember that far back). In shock, he wanted to try doing 100 lbs, but he was unsuccessful. I didn't gloat or anything.. I just stood there in silence. If I was to gloat it would be like showing off, and I don't like to show off.
So anyways, we played foosball and he obviously challenged me. This would be the second time we played each other in foosball. I obviously lost -_-
I'm not a game person... well, at least not a foosball person.

The gang wanted to go to a Karaoke bar. My green-eyed friend doesn't finish his exam until 10pm-ish. So I called my brown-eyed friend and asked if she could go out. I was happy to hear that she wanted to see me. I thought with all her schoolwork, she wouldn't want to hang out. I noticed that my ex started to give out that HANG-UP-THE-GODDAMN-PHONE look to me. I know talking on your cellphone for a long time while with a group of friends is rude, but we weren't doing anything. They still had to wait until my green-eyed friend finishes his exam. Well ok.. fine.. maybe it was a bit rude, but I haven't talked with my brown-eyed friend for weeks. And we rarely ever chat online.

After having to put up with my ex's cut eyes, we went back to that caf place to wait for my green-eyed friend. We still had a few minutes to kill so we decided to play card games. The only available deck of cards was Uno. To make things interesting, we played for dares. The first dare was to chug down a bottle of juice (which wasn't that bad), but then it was the second one that had me worrying. Whoever lost will have to go on a table and pose laying down. I had a feeling I would lose, and I did -_-
There were other students in that caf., but I don't want to be one of people who would lose and not do the dare. T_T Don't you just dislike it when people do that? I mean.. they LOST!
I went on the table and did my thing. My ex's friend's girlfriend took a picture from her phone, then I just quickly went back to my seat. I noticed a lot of the students were staring at me even AFTER I finished posing >_<
The other dares weren't so bad... it was just back to chugging down a bottle of liquids.

The plan changed when my friend finally showed up. Instead, we played table tennis. We all sucked so we moved on to the next game.
Actually... I didn't the fact that we're using up our night playing games that we could play back in the city. My green-eyed friend excused himself to meet up with some Waterloo friends of his. He then messaged me saying that if I want to meet his girlfriend, then I should go to something something building. At that time we were playing Scrabble T_T
So I said be right back, and left.

I went to his girlfriend's dorm room. I met his girlfriend and his girlfriend's female-friend. Both of them were really nice, and for the first time I met someone, I didn't feel any awkwardness. Talking to them felt... natural. Maybe it was partly because his girlfriend's female-friend kept on the conversation by asking me a bunch of questions.
Half an hour later, my ex called me asking where I was. She said she needed to get her stuff from my green-eyed friend's place and walk all the way to her cousin's place (where she would stay overnight).
I somehow lost track of time and we ended up going back really late (probably 1-2 hours after the phone call).

From then on, my ex was really pissed at me for leaving her alone with her friend and her friend's girlfriend. Time to time she would say, "I hate you" to me and give me more cut eyes. A part of me told myself that I should apologize to her, but I didn't. Yeah, this may sound like I'm a total jackass, but instead of feeling guilty and bad I was more annoyed.

I was quiet throughout our walk towards her cousin's place. The couple had already left, so it was just the three of us: my ex, my green-eyed friend, and I. I would participate in their conversation time to time (with my one word answers), but I was pretty much quiet.



After dropping her off to her cousin's place, my green-eyed friend and I walked back to his residence. I set my sleeping back on the floor then realized that I would have to sleep without a pillow and on the hard floor...
I begged my friend for us to switch. If we did switch, I would get to sleep on his bed, and he would have to put up with the floor :p
¬_¬ but he's a mean friend he said "no".

"I sleep in the nude now"

I looked at him surprised, "Uhh.. no, you don't"
He slept over at my place before and he would sleep in his boxers and a sleeveless undershirt. He can't sleep completely naked! I'm in the same room!!!

"Yes, I do," he said.

"No you don't," then he just started laughing.

I changed into my sleep shirt (just a plain white T-shirt) while he stripped down to his boxers. I took out my toothbrush and then he asked, "What are you doing?"

"Gonna go brush my teeth"

"Ahh, might as well."

He led the way out of his room just wearing his underwear. Man, how can he walk around his res just in his underwear? I was right behind him and I noticed he left his door open, so I closed it. He stopped walking, slowly turned around and asked, "You did NOT just do what I think you just did. Did you close the door?"

"Uhh.. yeah.."

"YOU IDIOT! It automatically locks and my keys are inside!"

Brushing our teeth, he told me that I should go downstairs and get the his don to unlock the door. I shook my head, "I can't do that." Then I realized if any one of us has to go, then I'm the only one who wil be able to go. I at least have my pants on.
LOL, that would be funny if he had to walk around his res just in his boxers.
Fortunately, one of his res friend showed up. After hearing of what I did (by accident!) he started giving me a lecture on how out of courtesy I should be the one getting the don >_<
Then right after his lecture, he said, "Alright, fine. You know what? I'll get the don for you."

I'm sure that guy was nice and all, but the first impression I got from him was a lecture of what I should do and not do. T_T
I can't believe my green-eyed friend actually told me (in the beginning of April), "if i were to replace you as a male best friend, he would be it". He was obviously referring to that guy who just gave me a lecture.
He said he's the smartest guy in the whole building and how he's his apprentice in Smash Brothers (a video game which I suck at).

My train of thoughts about that guy and how smart he actually sounded like was interuptted by the feeling of cold water on my shirt. My green-eyed friend applied pressure to the water tap which was beside me, "You loser."

"HEY! I'm planning of sleeping in this shirt," it's true.. that's why it was called my sleep shirt T_T

"Don't take your clothes off yet. If the don comes and sees two guys together in a room.."
Then we both started laughing.

After brushing our teeth and after that whole lock thing was sorted out we went back into his room. He put on a movie, Dawn of the Dead. I think he put it on so we could just fall asleep while watching it.. but the problem was that I never seen that movie (or at least I don't remember ever watching that movie), so I stayed up. He stayed up throughout the movie too.

By the time the movie ended it was already 5:30am! And we planned on meeting up with our brown-eyed friend at 9am to exercise. After the movie, he put on an interesting Dragonball Z episode. "Don't worry.. it's only 20 minutes," he said.

Twenty mintues later, I kept having to go to the washroom to pee. -_- The cons of having to drink a lot of water. The bum had to open the window too >_<
I was already feeling cold without any shirt on. Doesn't he know it would be colder for me because I'm on the floor? Heh, like I said.. he's a mean friend.. LOL.

"Why are you making so much noise?" he asked me.

"Umm.. I gotta put my jeans on and go to the washroom to pee."

"Just go. You don't have to put your pants on"

I made up an excuse and said, "It's cold". Well, that's partly true, but I was more worried that I might bump into someone on the way to the washroom. Sure it was only guys on that floor, but I'm shy when it comes to my body. I could just picture it: they see me with just my boxers on and they would laugh and say, "ohh, you're so skinny!".

I got fed up having to go the third time to the washroom, and I complained.

"Why don't you just go in a bottle?"

"Are you serious?!"

"Yeah. Just grab an empty one and... go."

I guess he got fed up with me having to "make noises" and complain. Haha.
And so.. I did.
It was awkward at first.. but hey.. if you really gotta go then you gotta go.
Plus, everytime I get back from the washroom, the room felt colder than when I first left.

We ended up sleeping at 6am. I could see the sunrise from the window right before I closed my eyes.
As usual he fell asleep first.



Saturday -
Our alarms went off on the right time - 8am, but neither of us got up. It was at around 11:30am when I finally decided to get up --- I had to pee... again LOL
Man... drinking a lot of water sure has its disadvantages.

I snooped around his room looking for this specific CD with a letter inside from our brown-eyed friend. He showed it to me last night, but he never gave me the chance to read it. I normally wouldn't snoop around someone's room specially while they're asleep, but hey, we're friends right?

"I'm gonna take a shower soon," he said with his morning voice. By that time I was looking through his shelf. 'Does he know I'm looking for it?' I looked at him and his eyes were closed, so I continued snooping around. Sadly I didn't find it -_-

I had to borrow a towel from him. I would've brought my own, but my ex told me not to overpack and that I can always borrow one. I hope he didn't find it weird - another guy borrowing his towel. I mean, I was shocked when he said I was the first guy to ever sleep in his room. So on the way to the shower room, he handed me a bar of soap and told me that he'll give me the shampoo as soon as he's done with it.

There are three designated showers all in one side in that shower room. Each shower has its own stall (thank god!). The middle stall was already occupied by the time we got there. He took the first one and I took the third one. The whole environment was different. I don't think I can ever get used to showering in another place other than my own shower at home. So while soaping myself up multiple of times (he was taking quite a long time with the shampoo), I thought about my Grade 7 school trip to Mono Cliffs. Mono Cliffs is this camping ground where the school stayed for a week. That was actually my first time away from home for a full week! The first time I took a shower in Mono Cliffs I didn't know how to adjust the water temperature so I had to put up with cold water. Ahaha, I think that was the fastest shower I had ever taken. So back to soaping myself up in my green-eyed friend's residence, I tiptoed to see if he was done with the shampoo. He tiptoed as well so we could see each other. He gave a throwing gesture and I nodded. Quietly he threw the shampoo bottle across the room. I wondered if the guy in the middle was aware that a shampoo bottle just went across at the top of his head. I somehow missed catching.. hmm, weird.

He finished before I did. And that dude in the middle was still in the shower. Wow, how long can a guy take a shower? He was in there before we went in, and he was still in there after my shower. I went back to his room. He was already dressed -- well, kinna. He was wearing the boxers than our brown-eyed friend bought him a few weeks ago and he showed it to me. It was funny. It had a kissing lips picture on the front and on the back it has the words, "I'm Yours".

"Somebody used a lot of soap," he commented when he saw the bar of soap I was holding. Then I thought, 'Well, yeah. What else can I do in the shower? Play with myself?' I had to soap up myself multiple of times with multiple layers because he was taking his time with the shampoo bottle T_T

My ex's exboyfriend called me a few times, "Is she there with you?"
I have a feeling he wants to get back with her.

My ex's friend called me as well. He asked if I want to have lunch with them at the plaza, but I turned down his offer.

My brown-eyed friend called and asked if we want join her for breakfast in her residence. We obviously said "Yes". We were suppose to meet up with her at the gym at 9am.. but we slept in ^^"

He was taking his sweet time walking toward the other residence, while I was freezing my butt off outside until our green-eyed friend shouted, "Hurry up!" from a distance. Then we just ran for it. I think I won the race :)

Her residence was nicer than his. The food was unlimited! "Get me something to eat," I ordered her. She gave us mashed potatoes, eggs, a burrito, and cookies. "Get me something to drink," I told her.

"What do you want?"

"Urm... apple juice?"

"Ok" She seemed ok with me bossing her around. Well, I wasn't seriously bossing her around like a bossy person. We're close friends, so such thing wouldn't even be categorized as bossing around.

While eating, she whispered at my ear, "That's him right there."
I looked a few tables in front of me and saw a group of guys. She pointed out her boyfriend. "So... what do you think?"

"Oh.. he's.. ok."

Then she asked me to elaborate on what I think about him -- appearance wise. "You seem to know the type of guys I like," she told me. I laughed and thought, 'Yeah.. it's because I checked them out too'
If she knew about this side of me, then I would've said that aloud, but at that time she doesn't even now the URL for this journal.

A few minutes later, her boyfriend came over and then she introduced us, "This is Skinny Boy Number 1," she told him and pointed at me. I said "Hi" and then she turned to me and said, "And this is Skinny Boy Number 2". LOL, I guess I still have my title as the Skinny Boy.

"Get me more apple juice," I told my brown-eyed friend. Then her boyfriend said, "I'll do it". So while he was away, she and I were talking about him.

"So..? What do you think?"

"He looks nicer in person than in those pictures you sent me. Or maybe I'm just saying that because he's getting me apple juice."

What I said about him to her was true though. He does look better in person than in person. And from the first impression I got from him, he seems like one of those guys that are nice, sweet, and shy.

Too bad her boyfriend has an exam to write, else I would've gotten to know him better. I told her I want to see her room before I leave, and so she gave me a tour of her residence.

The three of us took pictures in her room. There were some really nice shots, but most of the good ones are in her camera ¬_¬
I wonder when she's gonna send it to me.

If it wasn't for my stupid job (a 5pm-shift), I would've stayed in Waterloo and frolic around campus. I only got to stay in her residence for less than an hour. How unfair is that?

I said my goodbyes to my friends, and met up with my ex, her friend, and her friend's girlfriend. We took the taxi to the bus terminal and hopped onto a Greyhound Bus. I was really sleepy, but they want to play Family Feud (my ex's friend has the game in his laptop). Obviously the couple was a "family" by default, so my ex and I had to team up. My ex forced me to play so in order to see the laptop screen I had to lean over across my ex's lap. At one point I got really tired so I just layed my head (face down) on my ex's lap - close to her stomach. It took a while for me realize that I was in such an unusual position. If we were to switch places, people would think she was giving me a blow job. Even though my ex didn't complain I didn't stay in that position for long. I wouldn't want her to get the wrong impression.

I do want to get back with her, but she's looking for a serious relationship. And according from a reliable source, my ex really wants to get back with me and start a serious relationship. The problem with that is I don't want to get into a serious relationship (right now anyways). Oh.. Don't get me wrong... I do like her. And I don't want to get back with her just for fooling around. I mean, I do care for her.


Well, that was our Waterloo trip.
I learned how my ex could be needy, and how things could turn out if I was to get back with her. As of now, I decided that I'm not going to start anything with her.
That may change... who knows.

Right now I don't have anybody in mind. Not even a single crush.
Well, I guess I'm back to my neutral self, huh.

3:21pm: Torn
Friday night Nushrath messaged me online saying how she wants to meet up and everything. She also tried to explain why she disappeared since last year. Practically everyone lost contact with her, because she went into hiding – like a hermit. No one heard from her for months. I tried to call her a few times but I couldn’t get through. Her parents are really strict to guys calling her, so all I could do was hope she would answer the phone… otherwise I had no choice but to hang up. I did more than a dozen times, then I just gave up. I feel bad for “prank calling” her family. And it was her mother picks up most of the time. She’s a nice lady. I actually met her a long time ago … once.

So this online instant message from her took me by surprised. I don’t know what to do. Do I just erase everything and restart from the start?
I wish I could do that, but the thing is that… her leaving just like that torn me into pieces. I know she was having some problems, and that actually made it worse. As her “best friend” shouldn’t she come to me for support? Knowing that someone close to you just shuns you out (or leaves you uninformed of their deepest problem) really hurts.

Yeah… I said it. I was really hurt back then. She was the only one I was really close to. I trusted her more than my family. Heh, this reminds me of the time I was going with this Korean girl, and Nushrath wanted to avoid her, so she came up to me and said, “We can’t be friends anymore” (or something like that – this was years ago). On that same day, my mom found me curled up crying in my closet. That was the first time I cried for somebody. Even as a very young child, my mom told me I hardly ever cried. Just imagine how painful it was when she disappeared all of the sudden without a warning. No, I didn’t cry that time. I learned that crying gets you nowhere.

Well, a few good things came out of it at least. I learned to be more independent, and I got to shape my own personality without any of her persuasion. Oh, and I got to spend some time with my other friends.

She wanted my contact information (cell & home phone number), but I just couldn’t give it to her. Sure I missed her a lot, but I don’t think I can face her (not even on the phone) so soon. Actually, I don’t even know if I can ever meet up with her in person. Sure they were good times, but I’m afraid that history might repeat itself. She ditched me several times before her disappearance, and it would equally hurt every single time. Plus, I’m scared that the stuff that I went through for the year of 2004 might happen again. Those things only came up because she brought them up.

So as of right now, I’m torn between wanting to help out a dear old friend of mine and just wanting to move on with my life (to look ahead, and not look back). She’s currently recovering from her problems right now and I’m happy that she’s finally dealing with it. I wouldn’t want to disappoint her or upset her if I just plain out tell her that we can never meet up again.

Well… actually… we can’t.
The others (our friends) were somewhat ok with her, and that they’d be ok getting back all together (just like old times). Ironically, the one that was closest to her is the one who will not co-operate.

2:06am: Re: Break
Uhh, you'll never guess what just happened.
As soon as I publishd the entry before this one, my green-eyed friend talked to me then I asked him what was up with him not starting any conversations with me for the next 3 weeks.
And his reason was, "It's cause I always start them; you NEVER do. This will force you to. I was thinking and I was like hey, I ALWAYS start it. So.. maybe you don't want to talk to me. That's why you don't start it. So yeah."

LOL, the irony.

I guess he really wants me to become more initiative.
I remember him planning that come by summer time, we would go downtown and talk to random girls.
And he wants me to play all of the Resident Evil games so I would be as "girly".
lol, I don't mind being forced to play video games :)
I missed that part in my childhood -- you know, where every kid goes through the phase of playing JUST video games all day.

Here I am thinking he finally got bored me, but in reality, it's him who's worrying I don't want to talk to him just because I'm not the one who establishes communication.

1:31am: Break
After writing two midterm exams and handing in my formal lab assignment, I finally feel free as if I can finally take control of my life. I know this feeling will not last no longer than 3 days, but hey... at least I got to experience it :)

Things are going great at the moment (excluding the fact that there's a 70% chance I failed those two midterms) except for one thing:
Last night (Thursday night), my green-eyed friend told me he will not message me or make contact with me for the next 3 weeks. I asked why and his answer was, "Don't feel like it. You could message me, but I won't start any."
Paranoia was the first thing that came to my mind, 'It's the journal -- i know it!'.
Then I tried to calm myself down and got rid of that paranoia. At first I thought maybe it was something that I did or said to him. Then I thought, 'Hey, maybe he's just joking around'.
But no.
I guess this way I won't expect anymore text messages from him time to time.

It was nice of him to inform about it though. I would've been really paranoid if he didn't inform me and all of the sudden he just stops messaging me.

The last message he sent me was "Blog".
Was he telling me to blog? If so, to which blog? My public one or on this one?
He said he lost the URL for this one, but I don't believe it. Anybody can acquire any URL that they already went to -- any computer user would know that. He also said he didn't close my msn messenger window and that his computer overheated that night so his chat logs weren't saved (and he didn't have messenger plus). Sure his chat logs weren't saved, but there are other methods to get a "lost" URL.

I guess he's more busy than ever.
Either that or he just wants a break from me lol
We have been talking a lot over the past few months - off the net and on the net.

Weird, huh.

3:18am: :)
So I decided to tell him everything and I mean everything. It's better than him making assumptions to connect all of the little things he knew before. I can't believed I stayed up that late - it was a Sunday night.

lol, his common question was, "Okay... but... wait... so... like... are you bi?"
Then I finally told him I'm between "I don't know" and "No, I'm straight".

He was really cool about it, and he said how he wasn't as shocked as I expected him to be.
He said my past sounded like a TV show, and that the song Untitled by Simple Plan reminds him of me.. lol.
He then kept on bugging me for the URL of this journal. The main reason I didn't want to tell him at first was because I wouldn't be able to write as open. I'd now have to worry whether or not it might make an impact.

The next day (Monday), he text messaged me saying how he lost the URL and how he didn't even get to dig up any dirt since he only read a few entries (the most recent ones). I was somewhat relieved when he said he decided not to read my journal anymore. He said it was a personal thing - something I should keep to myself. And he felt like he was invading my privacy.
I wonder if he read something he didn't like... lol.
But hey, he made it clear to me that his perspective on me didn't change even after reading a few entries.
:)

Wow.. now that I think about it... he had the chance to completely know me. He already knows my publicly open side and now he knows this side of me. But in a way I'm glad he backed off. I mean, if he were to read all of my entries in this journal he would COMPLETELY (or nearly completely) know me. And there's a high probability he would get bored of me after a while.

I do know that he can find this URL easily. All he needs to do is to open up his chat logs and search for a livejournal address.
Whatever.. it doesn't matter.

I just can't believe I'm friends with someone who's okay with everything I've done in the past.
We could sure use more people in this world that has that kind of understands.

1:53am: "You're Weird"
Don't you wish you can turn back time... even by a fraction of a minute?
I can't believe he found out.

It was the night when my green-eyed friend came over to my house to sleep over. He brought his laptop with him so we could share files (he wanted me to watch the TV show Grey's Anatomy), so I gave him access to my network. My hard drive was shared and he managed to sneak out a text file - it was the file where I copied and pasted that short article (from an Austrailian magazine) summarizing this journal.
He said he only managed to read about 3 lines when he told me about it.
I was right beside him when he first discovered that file. I wanted to immediately delete that entire folder, but I have a lot of important stuff in there.

I acted dumb at first, pretending I have no clue what he was talking about.
"Ahh, now everything makes sense. I guess my first assumption is true afterall. This explains a lot of things like that time you really hated Joanne."
I tried to pretend to be too busy to listen to him - setting up his GameCube while humming a tune aloud.

It didn't take long for the awkwardness to creep in the environment. And I expected him to have a negative reaction to it, i.e, packing everything up and leaving my house in disgust, probably call me hateful names, never to speak to me ever again, etc.
But then he said, "I'm okay with it. I don't care."
I didn't believe him at first but he had a good point when he said I would've noticed it already if he wasn't okay with it.

The sad part is that he only knows the "theme" of this journal and not the details.
I say it's sad because he doesn't know the full story behind it - how I've changed compared to myself when I started this journal.
And the fact that I don't think that way as much anymore.
Actually... the thought of thinking guys that way haven't crossed my mind in a long time.
I'm actually starting to believe that this whole "confusion" thing is a phase.

I actually told him that. "You don't understand... it's a phase. It was three years ago!" I explained while I had my face burried deep into my pillow.
His reply was somewhere along the line of, "That's an interesting phase you're in, buddy."
I don't have an accurate memory of that time we had those talks, because I just wanted to block everything out.... the fact that he found out about his journal made me want to reject reality.
I was mentally screaming in my head, "this is not happening!"

I asked him how much he knows, but he wouldn't tell me. "What you don't know can't hurt you," was his excuse.

"Fine. If you don't believe I know... there will be one day you'll finally tell me and I'll go, 'Yeah I already knew that'," he said. I was hiding under my blanket by that time.
I brought down blankets and pillows down to my living room. He would rather sleep in the living room. I think it's because of the TV (so we could play video games all night).
He must've realized what I was doing so he told me, "You're weird. I said I was fine with it. Fine... do you just want to forget that this ever happened - me finding it out?"
I gave a nod under my blanket and he said, "Ok.. fine. We'll never speak of this ever again in 3, 2, 1."

Throughout the entire night, he would say, "You're weird" time to time to me. And I kept on thinking he was saying that because he discovered that "other side" of me.
We played Resident Evil until 7:30am.
Then we woke up at 11am and had brunch.
In his laptop, he created a program that prints out a line that would say my name followed by "... sucks the big one."
He left at 3pm. We didn't do our usual goodbye [for we will not see each other until April]. Then again, I also didn't do that usual goodbye with that other close friend of ours. I can't help but wonder if he ever changed his perspective on me. He said nothing changed, but he could be just saying that.

I wonder if he knows he's one of the main reasons I'm realizing this whole confusion thing is just a phase?
IS IT just a phase?
I'm still uncertain.
But the guy talks that we often have makes me think "straight".


Oh god, I really hope he didn't catch the URL in that text file!
I wouldn't be surprised if he stopped talking to me the way he used to talk to me before he found out.

1:03am: Cell Phone
My green-eyed friend and I went to the gym at 10am. I'm not used to the whole morning workout thing, so I was 30 minutes late. His parents were with him. Man, his family's so physically active! All of them have gym memberships except for anyone who's under 16 (his two younger brothers). My excuse for being late was I had a hard time eating my breakfast fast - I feels like I'll puke if I eat fast (only in the morning though). Then he told me how he drank his breakfast: a lot of healthy solid food liquified along with whey protein. It would be nice to have a breakfast like that, but I don't need a lot of protein. What I need is a lot of carbs!

We worked on our shoulders and our back. He also worked on his inner chest area. I would've done the same thing, but I'm still sore from our Saturday workout. He really pushed me to the max. But hey, I'm not complaining :)
He taught me this new shoulder technique. It's quite effective too!

After our not-so-long work out, we walked over to my house, ate something light, then went out to catch the bus that goes to his house. Oh yeah, and I brought along my dog too. It's a female dog, and I want her to meet two of his male dogs. Besides, I don't think she (my dog) gets to socialize much with other dogs.

In his house, his dogs' reactions were funny.. they ran up to my dog, sniffed each other's butts, then ran around the house sniffing one another's butts. lol
After awhile, it kinna got a bit awkward...
One of his dogs started licking my dog's private area O_O
This was happening while we were watching anime - Ikki Tousen. lol, it's this anime show that's obviously targets the male population! He couldn't believe how they would show stuff like that (animated), so he showed it to me. I obviously seen stuff like that before, but I never told him about it. He sounds excited to tell me about it, so I don't want to kill that excitement. We watched it in his living room.
I could help but wonder, 'Does he have a hardon like me?'
Well C'MON.. that anime show is revealing to the point it will give any guy a hardon!
It didn't show any nudity, but there was a lot of cleavage and up-the-skirt shots.
So yeah, he wears boxers (easier to spot a boner), so maybe that's why he put a thick blanket on his lap.
We sat around his couch for a while. I guess we were both tired from working out. Well, that Saturday workout still has an effect on me (>_< i'm still slightly sore).

I went on his laptop, chatted with this girl he knew since junior high, talked really dirty with her using his account. She played along, and did say that she was having fun. She couldn't believe it was him so I gave her his home phone number to call for confirmation.
He said he wouldn't talk on the phone, "Hey you're on your own. Just make your voice a little deeper."
And so I picked up the phone and made my voice a little deep, but not so deep that it sounds fake.
She fell for it! And I tried to talk like him. I even tried to do the laugh.. lol!
"Was that really you online?"
"Yeah. And I meant everything I said."
"Really? I never thought you'd have the guts to say it."
Hahahaha!
Hey, I know I sound like a jerk to trick somebody like that, but hey, she enjoyed it. And I'm quite sure he'll straighten things out in the future.

I chatted with one our female friends - the depressive one. I knew her since grade school, and she has a crush on my green-eyed friend, so using his MSN account, I started to talk dirty with her.
She obviously freaked out.
He went out of his room for a second, and came back wearing my jacket, "Hey, where's your phone? Can I see it?"
Then I got suspicious. He still wants to know about this blog and I have similar entries that I have on this blog in my phone. ^^" yeah.. I blog on my phone at times whenever I don't have a computer around me (ie. bus, train, etc. - yes, I don't have a laptop :(). And so I said, "Sure, but see see no touch."
I took outta of my pants pocket and showed it to him, then he reached for it and tried to grab it.
"I just want to see something!" he said.
"Yeah right!"
So we fought over my cell phone.
Now that I think about it... if I was back to my 3-years-ago-self I would've been so turned on while we're fighting that I would've probably tried to do something... something that any slash fictional characters would do.
He tried to grab my phone and run to the washroom so he could lock me out and probably read my uber personal entries!
He was about to close the washroom door, but I was blocked it by using my body.. lol, no, it didn't hurt as much one would think.
I know he wouldn't use so much force that he would hurt me.. we were just playing around in a way.
So grabbing each other's bodies, we somehow ended up on his bed. I was on his bed on my back, and the right side of his entire body was on me. He got my phone and put it into his track pants. He got a tight hold against my hands and my legs and said, "It's over. Why don't you just give up?"
The thought of him reading my personal entries then losing him as a friend because of that gave me the extra power to somehow get my left hand into his left pocket.
We were both breathing heavily. He had me on a headlock, and yes, we were both sweating. I could smell his deoderant. Dammit, why did his arms grow have to grow so much within the last month.
Last time I saw him, his arms weren't this big. I guess all that whey protein and hard exercises really paid off.
Again, he tried to make a run for it, but I grabbed his torso from the back and just dragged him back to his bedroom. Hey, it's not easy doing that to someone who's a lot heavier than you are. I'm pretty sure he gained mass over the months.

So I managed to get my phone, ran away from him, which was a stupid move because the only path I could've taken was goin in his bedroom, and he was blocking the doorway. I ran, then tackled me from the back making us land on his bed (see, if this happened 3 years ago, that would've drove me crazy! lol.. but this time I was more into my phone, than to think of such things. besides, I don't have feelings fro him in that way). My knees were touching the ground and my upper body was pinned down on his bed.
With his left hand, he forced my left arm on my back.. kinna like that martial arts move, so your opponent can't use that arm. With his right hand, he kept my head down on his bed. He too was on his knees.
LOL imagine if his parents was to come home at that instant and sees him doing that to a guy on his bed!
It would look as if he was about rape me or something LOL
"This is not fair!" I shouted at him, but he just kept on grinning.
Then he said, "I'm gonna go to the washroom with your cell phone, and you're gonna stay here."
I nodded and he released my arm and my neck.
I turned over, and went for his pocket. With three hands reaching down in his pocket (two of my hands and one of his hand), it almost de-panted him... it also revealed his underwear. He was wearing his Toronto Maple Leafs boxer.

He ran downstairs and tried to get in the downstairs washroom.. I obviously tried to stop him.
"Get outta my way," he said.. then he started to walk towards me. I stood my ground.
He tried to push me away, but I held on and remembered a move that would trip any opponent.
I tried it on him, but unfortuntely he's obviously way stronger than I am.
So I ended up on the hard wood floor with his right knee on my chest and he was pinning down my wrists on the floor with his two hands.
By this time our breathing was more intense as if we just ran for miles. He was using most of his went on his leg. His knee on my chest, and the leg ran down in the middle of my body, so his foot was actually on my crotch. I didn't notice this at first because I had a hard time breathing.
I strugged a few times then he said, "Haha, you're trying to power up aren't you?"
LOL, he's a big Dragonball (Dragonball Z, GT, etc) fan. "I would do the same thing if I was in you're position," he said.
Then he put more pressure on my chest, which constricted my lugs to take in maximum amount of air.
He leaned over so we were face to face and said, "Washroom and cell phone first, okay?"
Still I was struggling to breathe, if I didn't say anything any longer I would probably passed out!
So I said, "ok ok.. fine.. you win!"

He got off me, and went upstairs. I got up, wipped off the sweath on my forehead, and tried to catch my breath. I got myself a glass of water and went upstairs.
Then I found out that the ONLY reason he wanted my phone was to call our depressive friend and tell her that it was ME using his account.
Well.. I was just glad that he doesn't know anything about checking the "Notes" in my cell phone.
I was leaning against the door of the washroom and he DID had to go no.1 (like he said).
Then he called our friend.

He gave me back my phone and asked, "So why were you making such a big deal about me using your phone anyways?"
I made some crappy excuse and said, "I... I don't want to waste my minutes? ^^""
lol
He obviously knows that was a lie, "Don't make me start with Round 2"
lol

We were both really tired, so we just chilled for the rest of the day.
I got to his house by 1pm and left by 5:30pm.

My dog and I waited for the bus for soo long to only find out that dogs are not allowed during rush hour (from 3pm to 8pm).
I wasn't upset or anything.. I was more embarassed because while he was explaining me this, surely people in that bus are listening and were probably saying "DRY! Poor guy!" in their head.
Hahaha, that's what I would think if I was them.
The driver apologized, and I stepped out of the bus feeling extremely embrassed. So my dog and I had to walk home. It was around -10 centrigrade outside and I'm just worried that my dog might get a cold or worse - a frost bite >_<
So we jogged home :)
Surely that should get the blood and heat flowing - for me and for my dog.
The funny thing was that we got home before the bus got to our street :)
I was proud that we beat the bus that wouldn't let us on.

I ate and watched TV.
Then I decided to go to sleep at 8pm.
I was really tired... and the sight of my dog sleeping on me just made me sleepier.
So I slept, but woke up at 11pm feeling hungry.
LOL, and I went to bed with a full stomach..
So now I just finished eating and decided to blog this.
:)

I'm extra happy for the fact that I didn't relate the thing that happened with my green-eyed friend to anything sexual. This means we are just male best friends.
And his influence of the way he talks about girls with me really helped me out. Help me in a way to get back on the straight path.
Hey, does this mean it was just a phase all this time?
But when I see some guys the word "yum" comes out. I'm guessing either I'm still bi-curious or I just have a slight case the Adonis complex.

Reading week just started (Feb. 20) and it's already been fun!
I can't wait what my friends and I will do next!

3:28am: Exercising
I woke up Saturday morning feeling dead tired until I went online and found out my green-eyed friend came home for the break (reading week). He said he was going to be at the Milner Gym that was across the street from my house. For the very first time since our Ski Trip on New Years, I was excited to go out.

I took a shower, wore a red sleeveless shirt that says "Competition" with bold letters on the front, and my black track pants. See, one time in our online conversation, I told him not to workout so much because it would make me look bad if I stand next to him while we're at the beach in the summer time, and then he asked, "Do I sense a competition here? Well I say BRING IT ON!". He was joking of course.
But seeing each other physically improve gives us the motivation to exercise (well at least for my case). Everytime I see his bare arms, I just want to lift weights to get the same thing. And I think ever since he saw my new pecs, he bench presses more than the usual.

His first reaction when he saw me was, "You look different".
Well yeah.. I did change my appearance since last month. First off, I recently had a haircut - my "American Jock" haircut as my other friend likes to call it (he had the "jock-like" haircut too). And my face has finally cleared up.. well, not completely, but it's making progress :)
Semester One was really stressful so that was the main cause of my skin complextion and now that it's over...yeah.
We stretched, then headed towards the weight room. He kept on telling me how my face looks good. I couldn't really say anything back but smile. I personally thought my face didn't change that much.
"Looks like you've lost weight," he said.
-_-" i probably did.

I saw our reflection on one of the mirrors in the weight room and though, "wow... we're hot!"
lol
He was wearing his black wife beater (which I never seen before), and white track pants. My arms aren't as big as his, but it's at least toned and for some reason my muscles looked nicer than usual - must be the lighting.
I could tell he really pushed himself everytime he worked out at his school's gym. He normally doens't wear a wife beater out in the public, but he sure looks confident wearing it now. Oh and you can also tell because it looked like he gained some muscle mass.

He showed me a series of techniques he likes to do. And forced me to bench press. I only bench press at home because well... I don't know... I just don't feel comfortable bench pressing with people around me. He had bothered me about bench pressing a few months ago and I never agreed to do it, but this time I told myself, 'what the heck... it's not like i'll ever see these people again anyways'.
It's true... I almost never go to that gym (even though it is just across the street from my house). I just don't have the time to go out to workout. I'm barely even home most of the time.

Bench pressing wasn't that bad! We took turns spotting for one another. That was the first time I worn out my chest muscles!
From bench pressing, we moved onto biceps, then he showed me this new abs exercise technique. It looked weird at first but it was fun and effective! Moving away from the "machines", we went to free weights. He would've showed me more, but I had to leave early to go to work.

By the end of our exercise, my arms were rock hard and it was radiating a lot of heat. I like that feeling. It makes me feel so alive!
His arms are like that most of the time. I guess it's because he works out frequently and consistently. One time we were in a theatre watching a movie. We were sitting next to each other and I could feel heat coming from his arm muscles.
If only my arms could stay in that status: rock hard and hot (literally hot)!


That exercise was the most effective exercise I've ever done! Mainly because back in the summer time, I wasn't really into body building.
So right now my upper body's sore.
Hey, if I continue this kind of exercise consistently then I would surely get to my goal before summer time!!!

4:58pm: Opening Up
Something I wrote in the subway train:

---

Friday Jan. 13, 2005 4:08pm
Monday was the first day of semester 2. I was really excited to go that I hardly got any sleep the night before. I guess I kept telling myself that a new semester = new classes = new people to meet and become friends with. Laying down on my bed trying to lseep, an interesting thought came to me: a guy befriends me and invites me over to his dorm room. We were talking like normal friends, then all of the sudden he kisses me. I didn't back off and just went along with the kiss. Then I pictured meeting up with him during my breaks and make out in his room ^^" The thought of finally finding someone (regardless the gender) made me so excited (happy excited - not horny excited) that it became harder for me to sleep.
I only had 3 classes on Mondays. I didn't get to talk to anybody because I didn't really got the chance to.
Tuesday - I acted the usual way: quiet. I thought I could act like how I act towards my closest friends - slightly more talktative, likes to say and hear jokes, etc. My green-eyed friend said if only I act the way I act around him, he wouldn't be surprised if I become friends with at least a dozen people in the first week of school. A nice thought, but I don't think I'm anywhere close to that by the way I'm acting right now. Before going to school in the morning, I would be excited to talk to my schoolmates, but in class and in campus my confidence and my will to talk hits rock bottom. It feels like my mouth is so tired that I don't have the energy to even open it.
Wednesday was when I found out my ex-girlfriend (that goes to a different school, but is within walking distance from my school) is going to apply to the University of Waterloo. We'd meet up for lunch on an average of once per two weeks. This ex of mine was actually my recent and first girlfriend. We were in an on and off relationship, then I finally decided to end it because I can't go out with anybody until I resolve my question of my sexuality. She insists I apply so we could both transfer schools... that made me think a lot: Should I apply and change my major? If I do go to University of Waterloo, I would only be able to apply for honours science (or anything related to science minus the biology). Then I realized that I don't really have a choice. I can't apply even if I wanted to. I just won't be able to do it financially (I have to pay for all of my expenses and moving there would need me to quit my part time job) and academically. -_- My high school marks are not the greatest, and my current GPA for my first year is not good.
I felt sad that the only person I hang out with during my free time is leaving next year. I don't have any friends in my school. It's not that I tried and failed.. it's more like I just don't feel like making new friends right now.

---

Thursday - I was online late at night chatting with my green-eyed friend. Then he immediately found out something was bothering me, "On Monday you were happy like a bee. What happened? You're acting weird. What's wrong? Common you can tell me, buddy."
But telling him would require me to tell him this Livejournal address. And I would rather die than let him read this journal! I wanted to leave the conversation. He was being a good friend but I can't completely answer his question. He knows this blog's existance, but he believes that it's about me having feelings for our female friend (which is impossible to happen! I see her as my sister). He asked if we were to go skiing at this moment would I spontaneously go back to normal.. and i had to say no to that. [i guess skiing symbolizes the good times we had back in the winter break]I had a feeling he wouldn't stop until he got something:

Me: well... when you and < our-female-friend > left.. i thought it was cool and all (cuz i can go, "i have firends studying outside the city XD - and be proud of u guys and stuff), but obviously a part of me is extremely sad cuz i guess.. i got attached to you guys so that was back in september. Now that I found out the only person i hang out with (< my-ex-girlfriend >) is also going away to waterloo, it just feels like everybody's moving out and i'm the only one left alone here. i know it might be awk that i hang out with ppl from other schools, but she's the only one i know that's in the area. and on the day i found out she actually applied and everything, i guess all of my emotions supressed since aug/sept were... released. So you see.. it's like me going back to my old september self. The time I closed up to others because -- actually, i don't even know the reason to that (honestly). I don't want to be the one who closes the door on new friendships. And when you said i should just act myself - i really did try to act myself. But whenever i'm in school i just can't do it.

Him: that doesn't explain no skiing

Me: ehh you can connect the dots.. oh.. yeah.. nvm.. ur missing one more dot

Him: so give me it

Me: i just doubted myself as a student... blah blah blah.. tests: someone's in probation, the other got kicked out (we're all in the same program)... blah blah blah.. all in all i felt stupid and i was somewhat "pressued" to stick to my program

Him: ohh. so what r u going to do now

Me: stick to it unless i get kicked out

Him: you could probably get into waterloo if you put all your efforts

Me: nah.. i thought about it all night (hardly got any sleep) and waterloo's not for me

Him: justify

Me: two major reasons i wanna go there are: 1. because you guys are ALL there 2. i want to experience what it's like to live in residence. i mean. this is the only time we could do such thing

Him: yeah

Me: o well, i missed the boat. but i'm happy with what I have now

Him: so what could possibly override that?

Me: well it's alright now. I think i solved it *nods* so waterloo's not for me

Him: that offers no explaination to why it's not for you. it was your dream school. but ok

Me: O_O how'd you.. o.. i must have told ya. it was my dream school in junior high.. haha "Computer Programming in Waterloo" but technically that wasn't a solid dream... just something i had to pick out for the sake of answering a friend's question.

Him:</strong> suit yourself

Me: yep. dots connected? alright later

Him: bye


That was actually my last conversation with him. I haven't had contact with him since then. I go online time to time, and check if he's online. Unfortunately he's either in away mode or offline which is weird because he would still message me even if he's in away mode and he's hardly ever offline.


On my Friday nigh work shift, I told this all to my co-worker.
I don't exactly know why I did it.. but it felt like I could trust her. And if things go wrong it wouldn't make such a big impact because she's not that close to me. This female co-worker of mine is in her early 30s, so she knows a lot about life in general.
I started from the very beginning. From the time I had my first girlfriend up until now. I told her how I supressed those gay feelings I would get. Oh yeah, she's also the one that encourages me to go out with this girl (our other co-worker) so in the end of my very long life story I said, "So you see.. that's why I can never go out with anybody until I know my sexual orientation."
She wasn't surprised that I had gay tendencies because it was her that told me that a lot of my fellow co-workers that already thinks I'm gay T_T
She was enraged when I told her about my female best-friend and how she exposed me to slash gay fictions and the time when she forced me to tell my male best-friend I had feelings for him (this was like 5 years ago).
Then she completely lost it when she found out it was my dear friend nushrath. A few months ago I asked my co-worker to call Nusrhath for me (because boys are not allowed to call her) and they got to know each other. My co-worker really liked Nushrath. She thought she was a sweet girl.

The way my co-worker interpreted how Nushrath treats me was very harsh! I don't know.. maybe she was speaking the truth. But througout the entire time I was sticking up for Nushrath. Even though my co-worker kept on telling me how I was used as her guinea pig and whatnot I denied it and tried to come up with a good explaination. But in the end, my counter-arguments didn't get to her and she just concluded that I should just move on with my life.

I told my co-worker this so she could help me out with the big question: Am I gay or is this just a phase?
"For the past year I've been telling myself that this is all just a phase. I mean, I had girlfriends and I really liked girls back then... But then again... I did enjoy reading those slash fics. I stopped and tried to get back to the 'normal' stuff. I'm still uncertain, and I don't want to be old, married, and have children and THEN find out I am gay. I would never want that to happen."
She agreed that this may be a phase.. but a hard phase to get out of.
"Honestly, I personally don't want you to be gay. You're a nice person, and I would want you to have children. But... if you're gay.. then you're gay. And there's nothing you can do about that," she said.
Then we talked about how my life would be different if I was to come out of the closet. "Think about your parents. Just imagine how they would feel."

So I guess for the sake of my parents (and my closets friends like my green-eyed friend who would think of me differently if he found out I am gay) I would have to try hard not think of such gay-related things. But it was weird how on that same day I saw a lot of gay people walking around the streets. One time there were these two adult men holding hands while walking down the busy street of downtown - and they look so happy together.

"Would you fuck a guy just to find out if you're gay or not?" she asked me.
I said "no" even though in my head I said, 'If it will tell me answer to my sexuality'. I said no because of how she asked the question... it sounded as if she was digusted by the thought.

If that was the "procedure" to find out one's sexuality.. I'm up for it, but that's not likely to happen. Hah! I can't even make friends!

Whenever I ask my co-worker about the topic of being gay.. she would always lead it to Nushrath. I guess she believes that it was Nushrath's manipulative ways back in my young teenage years that affected me to think about guys like this. I guess she's blaming Nushrath? To contradict my co-worker I told her how maybe it's just because I never had a guy friend back then (exception of one (male best friend) - the one I told I had feelings for), and my father and I never spend a lot of time together. I read at this site specially for sexually confused guys, and it gave me a lot of factors why I would feel gay even though I'm really not.

Isn't it bad to supress emotions?
I find myself crying over simple things. For example:
"She told me to send her shoes for her daughter's wedding, but she later on found out she was never invited."
Normally, I would just say "awww" and feel for her (my aunt actually), but I was barely able to say "aww" and started to get teary.
Why am I crying over something like that?!
Oh and I get teary in movies that I wouldn't get teary if I watched it a few months back!

I find these two songs to be a good combination of how I've been feeling for the last few days:
Relient K - Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
My Chemical Romance - I'm Not Okay

Nowadays I've been listening to a lot of The Ataris and also Lifehouse -_-

So until I find my answer, I won't be able to do anything with my love life.

"It is sad not to love, but it is much sadder not to be able to love"

Current Mood: confused - helpless

Current Music: The Ataris - The Hero Dies In This One

2:26am: What If...
I know everyone (if not most people) have their own deepest secret. And I normally don't if I know my friends' secrets. I mean, it is their deepest secret! A few minutes ago, I found out my green-eyed friend's secret. Well, not the entire secret.. just the "introduction" of it. Apperently he's very secretive when it comes to his past - his junior/senior high school past. He said our friendship was close enough to be able to trust me with his secret, but he also said that he wouldn't be to do it unless I give him the link to this Journal. Yep, he wants to swap secrets. He also said he only knew me as his close friend for less than a year. He's worried that I might stop talking to him next year and his stuff will eventually leak out and people will find out.

I really want to know his, so I started asking WHAT IF questions, and whether or not it will change his point of view on our friendship. I started of with, "What if you find out I killed a girl in junior high? Would that change your viewpoint of me?"
I chose a female victim because he's like a non-coward version of Romeo (of Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet). His reponse was, "Not really. What you do is your own business. But if you killed someone NOW, then that would change it."

"What if you found something disturbing about me? Would that change anything?"

"You raped a girl?" was his guessed. And he continued on, "You had worms?"

"Uhh I'll go with the raping. How's having worms disturbing?"

I'm not sure if he read my message, because he kept on going, "If you're gay I'll think differently, because I don't think I'll sleep at your house anymore."

It felt like I've been shot. I didn't want to sound suspicious so I said, "Ohh. Okay. What about the raping thing?"

"I'll have to see if it's true."

"Run a simulation."

"I'd probably always watch < insert-our-female-friend's-name-here >'s back and kill you if you even tried BUT thank god it's not raping."

"Uhh okay."

Then he continued, "I guess you did something to a girl huh. Maybe you did lose your virginity to that girl. lol". He was referring to this girl that "tricked" me into going out with her in elementary school ^^"

"Yeah... and that would make sense right? Because you know.... girl + rape + me-not-being-able-to-say-no-back-then = me getting raped by a girl T_T "

"If you got raped by a girl then I'd say, 'why the hell didn't you tell me sooner. that's SICK AND I'm jealous'. Anyways, if you raped a girl that would probably affect me, because I'd never trust you with < insert-our-female-friend's-name-here > again. She's my best friend. I love her like family. If someone screws with her I'll kill them"
(see what I mean by non-coward-like-Romeo?)

The list of WHAT IF situations goes on.. from being a necro maniac to bestiality. He said immoral things will obviously change his way of thinking of me. Now I wonder if he categorizes homosexuality as immoral. Whenever homosexuality comes up he would comment, "That's NASTY!". Maybe I should've asked bi-curiousity but that would seem too obvious if I was to throw that in.

So I guess I'll just have wait next year or so.

Oh yeah, in this same conversation, I found out that he only had two close guy friends (one being me). One was in Grade 7. They were in the same team for their soccer games, and my green-eyed friend believes that his best friend was gay. "One time he slapped my ass"
I didn't want to get into details so I just asked, "Did you get pissed off?"
"Yeah. Oh and my mom thought he was gay."
^^"
Then he told me how this old best guy friend of his now goes to a University playing Football.
"He's the type of guy now who treats women as objects. He talks like, 'I don't care about feelings, I just want pussy'. He's a bit light in the loafers too. He'd probably suck a dick behind closed doors."
My green-eyed friend lost contact with him after he moved to my area by Grade 9.

Now he says I'm the closest guy friend he has.

I don't want him to think differently of our friendship, so I guess I'll never tell him this link. Then again, I only had those "gay feelings" quite a long time ago. Right now I just consider myself as a bi-curious... well, because I am curious :p

1:25am: My Old Friend's New Friends
This friend of mine that I know since Grade 3 called the other day with surprising news.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," I greeted back.

"You'll never guess to what kind of club I'm going to next week."

All I could think in my head was, "A 19+ club? Wow, you got a fake I.D.? Where'd you get it?"

"No. I'm going to a gay club!" he sounds exicted.

"Ohh.. Uhh, why?"

"This gay friend of mine wants to go and he invited me to go."

Without thinking, I just said, "Ohh cool. Can I come with?" I was shocked to realized I just asked him if I could go with him in a gay club >_<

"No. You don't know the people I'm going with."

I was surprised he said no. Then I felt bad. The same bad feeling I had when I saw his new batch of friends in person and he didn't even introduced me. He just sorta walks to the side to talk to me, then walk back to his group time to time. Is he ashamed of me?
You can really tell his new batch of friends are the complete opposite of me (appearance-wise anyways). They all have really long hair (including the guys), they all like to smoke and drink alcohol.

I was surprised to find out that there's one gay guy in his group, and two bi-curious guys. Oh and they're a bunch of 14-16 years old. He must be the oldest one in the group.
In a way... I'm jealous of those three guys. They're open with their friends and people don't mind it - as if it was normal.

C'mon, that dude can go to gay clubs without having to worry of anybody finding out! Talk about freedom!

1:26pm: New Years Eve
The past few days must have been the best days of my life since the summer time! My best friends came home for the holiday break from school (the ones that left to live in residence). On Friday, we all met up to go shopping. Mainly because she (the female-gym-friend) wanted to buy boots and he (the green-eyed friend) just wanted to meet up for the sake of meeting up. As for me, I needed to buy waterproof pants for skiing ^_^

After a long day of browsing around stores and exploring two different malls, my green-eyed friend and I walked her home. After she was gone, he said he would go over my place and sleep over since he would have to get over to my place by 2pm the next day. Yep... the plan was for all of my close friends to meet up at my place by 2pm on Saturday to go skiing :)
We had to get his stuff first from his place, so on the way there he asked an odd and shocking question, "Would you ever hang out with a gay guy?"

"Huh? What? What do you mean?" I was so shocked I had to play dumb, because that's like something I would ask him.

"You know... would you hang out with someone knowing that they're openly gay?"

"Well, it would depends on their personality. Do I like his personality?" I was worried he would be able to tell that I was nervous by the way I answered.

"Ohh. Won't you start thinking that he might do something? Like you wouldn't let him sleep over because he might do something?" he asked.

'Why would he ask such questions?' I wondered. "Uhh nope. Like I said, 'Do I like his personality?'"

"C'mon. I'm sure in the back of your head you would worry."

"Hmm, I guess."

Then he just changed the topic. I wonder why he even brought that up in the first place. Is he trying to tell me something? Maybe it's like a confirmation that he is not gay. Plus, from all the stuff we talked about, I'm 100% he's not. Or maybe it was just one of his "tests" T_T
He started making these "tests" for me a few weeks back. He said he would make up 10 tests that he calls, "Ten Tests That Will Map Out< insert-my-name-here >'s Brain". He started it ever since he found out I have this Journal. I would, obviously, never tell him the link to this journal, but he knows it exist. Our other friend knows it now too (the existance of this secret journal). If I had to choose who I would reavel this journal to it would be my female-friend.

We went straight down to the basement (where his temporary room was set up). His old bedroom was converted to some other room after he left for University. The basement was filled with workout machines, free weights, his clothes laying everywhere, a couch (where he sleeps), a small TV, a GameCube console with a dance pad laid out, a fridge, empty water bottles everywhere (that reminded me of my room), and sports related stuff haning on the walls. Oh yeah.. and there was his iguana (named Godzilla) that lives in the closet (modified to a reptile's environment of course). I sat on the couch, put his laptop on my lap, and browsed his computer hoping to dig up some dirt. He took a bottle of cherry flavoured Smirnoff from the fridge and offered one to me. "YOU drink that? Mr.Health-Nut drinks alcoholic beverages? Man, the world is about to end. And no thanks." He went upstairs to take two glasses and told me I have to try at least some of it. He poured half of the bottle's contents into my glass and said, "Drink it. It's good!" I took a sip then he said, "you can taste the alcohol huh". I agreed. >_< you can taste the alcohol. It reminded of the time I went to one of my classmate's birthday party and I got to drink a lot of beer. After that birthday party a lot of people knew me as the guy who got drunk and kissed all the girls... lol.. what an exaggurated story! I think I got drunk (or at least buzzed), but I know for sure that I didn't have any contact with anybody. I just kept getting more beer from the fridge. So back to drinking to a more light alcoholic beverage, he made finish drinking my glass quickly.
"Uhh.. Is my face turning red?" I asked him.

"YAH! How'd you know?" He sounded amused.

"Because I could feel the heat emitting from my ears. It happens whenever I drink anything with alcohol in it". He just laughed.

I got to meet his dad, his mom, and his two younger brothers. The bum just left me in the living room with his mom, while he went around the house looking for something. Fortunately, his mom is friendly and she could spark up a conversation (just like her son).

He packed his ski stuff, his GameCube console + dozens of games, and his Family Guy Season 4 DVDs. We played with his GameCube games all night and left Family Guy on until we fell asleep. He said he would rather sleep on the couch and told me to just sleep on the other couch so we could Family Guy. Haha, he fell asleep first. I've gotten used to him only wearing a wife beater and a pair of boxers. This is his second time sleeping over. He saw me wearing my flannel pants to go to sleep and asked, "Would you wear that outdoors?"
I said no, but I should've said, "Would you wear that outdoors?"
Oh yeah, at one point, he wanted me to play Wake Me Up When September Ends on an electric guitar and sing at the same time. I haven't practised in a while, so I kept saying no to him. Luckily, the phone rang and it was for me, so while I was talking on the phone, he was still trying to get me to play, "C'mon! I know you've been practising. Now Sing! ... Fine, then I'll do it." He randomly played chords and started to sing in a joking way *LOL* Hm, I should've recorded that. The person I was talking with on the phone asked who was singing and commented on how it sounds good ¬_¬
I went to sleep by 6am O_O and had to wake up by 9am to get everything set up.

After he took his shower the next day, he immediately changed to his ski apparel. And wow..he looked really cute >_< He looked so Canadian wearing a black hat with a red maple leaf, and a black ski shirt with a red maple leaf and the word, "Canada" right underneath. 'Now THAT's a 10!' I wasn't attracted to him or anything.. I just thought he was really good-looking :)

The travel time was 1.5 hours, but it was fun because three of my close friends were there with me. I brought my mp3 player and my speakers so we could listen to rock music :D

[image removed]Ski boots felt weird at first, but I've gotten used to it. It was my first time skiing. I'm the size 10 in that picture (bottom), he's the size 11 (left), my female-gym-buddy is the size 6 (right), and another female friend of mine is the size 7 (top).

^_^ Skiing was a lot of fun! Aside from wiping out really bad when I tried my first jump, which was really embarassing, the entire day was really fun. Another friend of mine (that I knew since Grade School) was suppose to go with us, but I guess he had more important things to do the night before, because he slept in. Even though I told the woman who picked up the phone to wake him up, he still wouldn't wake up. Well.. people have their priorities, and I guess going skiing with us is not on top of his list. Oh well, he missed one hell of a day!!!

12:41am: Square One
I quickly grabbed my towel and ran outta the shower to pick up my phone. Luckily I just finished my shower. "Hey. I'm here. Open the door." It was my green-eyed friend. He came back for the winter break. Over the past couple of months we've become closer than before. Looking back in my early high school years right now... I'm surprised that I didn't even talk to him (especially when his locker was 3 lockers away). Anyways, I quickly found a shirt, put it on as I go down the stairs and openned my front door. I peaked out my head and said, "You have a lousy timing. I just got outta the shower."

I let him in and then he asked, "uhh, and you couldn't put on a pair of pants?"
I looked down and realized I only had my towel wrapped around my waist. ^^" I told him I'll be down in a minute and ran upstairs to my room to get dressed.

The plan was to go all the way outside the city just to get to one of the biggest mall in the province, Square One. Yep, Christmas shopping ^_^

He was wearing this new green jacket, that obviously brought out his green eyes. Damn... and green's my favourite colour. I've always liked his eyes. Nah.. I don't think I'm attracted to him that way. Well.. there was this awkward dream, but that was just ONE dream, and now we're just really close friends.

I like hanging out with him. One of the main reason is that I think he's a great influence for me. He usually talks about girls and such so hopefully that will mentally help me out.

The entire subway and bus ride took about 2 hours. (-_-" yeah.. sucks.. we don't our own cars) He wanted to buy this "joke gift" for this female friend of ours. He thought of buying her a bikini (on account of that female friend doesn't like to wear revealing clothes) and so he did. Then we browsed through this unfamiliar store. In that store was something eye-popping! They had this section where they sell sex toys!!! OUT IN THE OPEN TOO! He told me he wanted to buy a this vibrator so he could give it to our female friend as a future joke gift or use it on a girl. He didn't have enough money on him, so I dared him to buy and handed him my debit card (along with my PIN). He bought it and actually openned it up and activated it in the middle of the mall! He was so amazed that he grabbed my hand and said, "feel it", then placed my hand on the vibrator (which must've looked awkward from a distance because he was sitting down while I was on my knees in front of him, and he had this vibrator near his crotch). He turned it on and i too was amazed.. "wow.. it IS an actual vibrator. I just thought it was a like those crappy 'toys'".

I took a step back and sat across from him. Then he asked me, "Would you ever want to try it out on < insert-ex-girlfriend's-name-here >?"

Then I told him how I can never see my ex-girlfriend in a sexual way. In fact, I can't think of any girl sexually (I didn't tell him that). When he asked why, I just answered saying how it just feels wrong to think of her that way. That is how I currently feel for girls - sure they're fun to hang out with, but I just can't picture engaging with them in a sexual manner. I probably could, but it require a lot of effort. Instead of telling him the entire thing, I just focused it on my ex - how she's the only girl I can't picture that way.

I wouldn't want to give him any ideas. I think he's already suspicious of me. He knows that I have a secret blog. That after one of my closest friends back in high school (a guy friend) found this blog, we just sorta didn't hang out anymore. One time he asked me, "What could you be writing about that's so... dangerous?"

Right now he has a theory that I might like this female friend of ours (our female gym buddy), but I clearly told him I don't feel like that for her. Well, he too, has a deep secret he's hiding. He told him about them, but not the entire thing - somewhat just the introduction of it.
He said how he's been using the program Photoshop a lot to modify some pictures and that he would never let anybody see those pictures because people will think of him differently.
I laughed at that and said, "No! You will think differently of me if you read my blog."
I said that after he proposed we swap secrets.
Hah! Now that I just written about him, I'm never gonna tell him.. unless somehow I'm sure that our friendship is strong enough to overcome something like this.
Well.. common.. how would you feel if your a guy talking to another guy about girls and your deepest thoughts about girls to only to find out that the guy you've been talking to is partly gay and possibly faked some emotions (about girls) or reactions to things that was said?
[yeah..i know that sentence is weird..but bear with me here]

Few minutes later, while we were both sitting there in the mall he started to feel tired so he layed down on this flat couch-like thing. He stretched his arms (while laying down) and shirt... moved. I started to become distracted because his boxers were showing. It was red with his favourite cartoon, Family Guy, was on it. I must've pretended to look around the area at least five times just so I could get a glimpse of it. No.. I don't think it turned me on or anything.. I just thought it was.... cute.
(-_-" ok.. now if he finds the URL for this site.. i'm dead)

After I bought all of my Christmas gifts for most of my female friends, we went home. All of my guy friends are either not that close to me or we had an agreement that we would not get anything for each other (only 2 guy friends for that). Actually, I sorta broke one of those agreements. See, during lunch time he asked me what's a healthy food to eat.. I saw Teriyaki so I suggested that. He was scavenging for loose change that was worth around 7 bucks. I asked a bunch of questions like, "What kind of Teriyaki are you gonna get? Are you getting a drink?" I pretended I was asking him those question so I could tell him the price (including tax), but I was actually geting the information I needed to make the order for him. I ordered both for me and him, and he noticed how much I was paying for food, "Uhh... what did you just do?"
"My treat," I said with a grin on my face, "I wanted to tell you earlier, but it was fun to watch you struggle find all that loose change".
I couldn't look at him ... because I might show some weird facial expression - like blushing or something(no that didn't happen), but I knew that he was staring at me giving me the i-can't-believe-you-just-did-that look. The happy i-can't-believe-you-just-did-that look of course :)

On the way back, he was dead tired so he fell asleep in the subway train, while I was bored outta of my mind so I played around with my digital camera. I thought it would be funny to take pictures of him while he was asleep and show it to him when he wakes up... but I realized that he might find that more of weird-funny.. not funny-funny. He'd probably question me, "Why did you do that?"
He already saw my cell phone picture galleries, and found a picture of him laying down on the exercise mat stretching (with a "girly" pose). "Why do you have this?"
"To embarrass you," I said, "and to show it to your future girlfriend your embarrassing pose."
"You're gonna embarrass yourself more!"
I rolled my eyes, "Whatever," then I grabbed my phone away from his hands.
[he was going through my phone because he had to wait for me to finish eating - i'm a slow eater]

So after taking the pictures... I decided not to tell him about it.
'Man, what was I thinking? If I haven't stopped myself and showed him that I did in fact took pictures of him.. that may start to give him ideas... ideas of what this teenageboy blog is really about'

That was that.
It was a fun day nontheless! I never smiled and laughed so much in a long time.
:)

10:04pm: The First Impression
A few weeks ago, I went down to my posh-friend's university campus. Just so we could take the same subway to go home. That was also the same day I met with one of her newest friend, Yuri. She's this Japanese girl who my posh-friend wants me to date. She (my friend) would say nice things about Yuri, "oh she's so nice", "she's so pretty", and "she's so smart", just so I would be interested. Well that how my posh-friend is like. She believes I need to go out with somebody. I guess she has seen how much I've changed... socially.

"Oh my god! What happened to you? You were such a social butterfly. Now you don't even have a friend? It's been months since school started," she told me one day in the subway train. Well, I did socialize a lot in high school but not so much that I'm a ... "social butterfly" so she was exaggerating when she said that.

Once I went inside some building, both my friend and Yuri were copying the Math answers posted at some wall. As usual, I didn't talk much. I guess it'll be a while until I can talk freely to somebody I just met. I just stood there, nodded my head a few times everytime my posh-friends talks about the past.. and so on.

So just a few nights ago, I found out what this girl Yuri really thought of me:

HER: can i tell u something
ME: sure
HER: i dunno / i was debating on it
ME: what's it about?
HER: she thought u were gay / i dun get it
ME: what makes her say that?
HER: i dunno
ME: is there any reason?
HER: she said she just got the gay vibe from u / i said NO / u had gfs
ME: -_-" THIS is depressing
HER: ok I SHUDNT have told u / i think u need to grow a beard or sth mAN
ME: what the... / can u find more info / on HOW she got the vibe?
HER: NO CLUE / i think its how u act
ME: -_-"
HER: ok ITS 2 much / ppl @ pearson [the high school we went to] used to think that n den YURI thought that
ME: O_O WAT?
HER: I AM SORRY / i shudnt have told u / I AM SORRY
ME: nah nah / it's good that u told me / so at least i'm aware of how she thought of me
HER: BUT I DONT KNOW WHY tho / i guess its the first impression thing / i guess i thought it abt u 2 / back in g-10 WHEN we first met
ME: U DID?
HER: well / U WERE KINDA quiet n reserved / nerdy shy type = gay / u know how those kinda ppl kind of isolate themselves / I DONT KNOW

Then I told her how even some of my coworkers (at least 2) thinks that I'm gay for how I "present myself". I asked this friend of mine if I behave the same compared to today and the first time we met, and she said "first impression. yah."

HER: maybe u need 2 be more dirty n scruffy / n ugly / ppl r just jealous
ME: i am already ugly
HER: SHUT UP / U CK MODEL / OMG MODELS R GAY / i think its cuz ur good looking / ppl r jealous / man / dont worry abt it / ur FINE / i think so anyways
ME: aww. thanks.. ^^
HER: no seriously / actually / maybe u need 2 get a gf / and grow some hair on ur face / 2nd option / easy
ME: yeah... actually / i don't like facial hair
HER: u shud REALLY do it / BE SCRUFFY / i'm tellin u / SCRUFFY = straight men / let this be like an experiment / k i go now / i luv u / ALWAYS / YO / eVEN if ur gay, I LOVE U
ME: -_-" i knew that would come up
HER: I know / its funny / omg / if ppl only knew what a HORNY dog u r

So that was that.
I found out some people back in high school thinks I'm gay months after graduation. I don't know.. somehow it feels like I stab right into my chest. Actually, I can't literally compare that because I never been stabbed, but it sure made an impact.

That conversation made me think about why I don't have any friends in my university. Why don't I have friends already?
Because you don't talk to anyone.
And why is that?
Because you don't have time to talk to anyone. Must focus on schoolwork.
Well that was my old reason anyways. Currently I'm starting to believe it's because I don't like myself. You know that saying about loving yourself first before claiming to love somebody? Well I guess that also applies for creating friendships. Right now I don't like myself. Perhaps since I always have these debates with myself I really can't put any energy onto making an effort to meet new people. Or perhaps the social butterfly wants to become the loner.

10:43pm: Dipping
"I want Skoal. Buy it for me?" asked my fellow worker one day at work. It's the same coworker I work with every Friday and Saturday night (a 7.5-hour-shift). I asked him what it was and he explained about his craving for chewing tobacco. Yup, it's a brand of chwing tobacco.

He asked me to buy it because he was wondering whether or not they would ask for identification - me being underage (for purchasing cigarettes). It took him a while to convince me. Actually, I agreed to buy it not because he convinced me, it was for the sake of my own curiousity. Would they sell me such thing?
Specially after finding out that one may experience the same thing a smoker does (that 'buzzed' feeling).
"It's like smoking 6 cigarettes at the same time"

I know the people in that convenient store because I'm one of their regular customers. I usually get a strawberry Tropicana Twister - as a source of vitamin C of course.
So I got that and then asked the dude on the counter for Skoal. I bought the Cherry flavoured.

I came back. He showed me how to "dip" - a technique used with chewing tobacco. At first I didn't want to try it specially after reading "CAUTION: MAY CAUSE MOUTH DESEASE" on the cover, but again my curiousity got to me.
I took a pinch of it, packed it in my bottom lip, used my tongue to take dips, and after a few minutes of dipping and spitting my spit out, I started to feel buzzed.

It's the exact same feeling after smoking 5-8 cigarettes. I don't smoke. In fact I dislike cigarettes and the smell of it too. A lot of students in my school smokes and whenever I happen to pass by one, I hold on my breath. I only got to try smoking them once while working with another coworker that smokes. I was having a crappy day (I think I was having a problem with a friend or something) and I guess I was also curious to try it.
The buzzed feeling reminded me of that time I got half .. nah more like 3/4.. drunk at my friend's friend's birthday party. That was some party. Luckily, I was able to control myself from doing anything stupid.

So anyways, this coworker of mine was starting to get mellow and just opened up his stories on his love life. He just told me EVERYTHING!!!!
It sorta freaked me out at first, but I guess it's ok for someone to just be loose when taking in a lot of chemicals in your body (ie. tobacco). He told me how he cheated on his girlfriend, how he had sex with the other girls (where, who, when, why, etc). He offered me more tobacco, but I decided to stop dipping before I start to get completely buzzed - so buzzed that I might tell him some things I might regret in the future. For instance, the topics and stuff I blog about in this livejournal. I dunno really. Lately I have this crave to just tell someone about everything I've been keeping in ever since I started this livejournal.

I have this other coworker. She's a lesbian and she's quite open with it. Perhaps she may understand?
Maybe I should tell her right before I quit my job - if I ever decide to quit for good.
Nah, maybe I should just supress it.
It's what I've been doing for the past year.
I don't think that psychological conditioning thing I did to myself a month ago worked. So then I guess it's time to forget about again.

Well...until next time.

12:24am: Anonymous Reader
I wanna apologize for my previous entry. It feels like I've offended some people. I didn't mean to.

Anyways, that mood completely changed when I read a comment.
I put my other blog in hiatus and I got this one particular comment:

---

(Anonymous)
2005-12-10 12:43 am UTC (link)
At certain instances in time, life inexplicably gets harder. When this happens there's only two things one can do. Take the easy way, or take the smart way. When things don't always go the way we planned, and when those who are closest to us inadvertently say the wrong things, its tempting to become pessimistic and simply give-up half-way on all your latest avocations. This is the easy way, because its very easy to just say "oh woe is me, I give up."

But sometimes one has to stand alone apart from their family and friends, and really look at themselves and define themselves. In times of hardships, you basically either tough-it-out, rise above it, prove those who doubted you wrong, and evolve into a stronger person. Or you give-up, and move onto another stage in your life feeling the same as you always have.

If you stop and really define yourself, and think and wonder about all you've done in regards to what you must accomplish, you'll find in most instances, that you could have done more. If you believe that deep down you could have done more to better yourself, that means you are capable. And capabality inevitably yields competence. If this is the case, then the only thing that's been holding you back is lethargy, which has probably stemmed from apathy. And the good knews is you can change that.

Gain as much self-confidence as you can. Disregard anyone elses negativity and simply say to yourself: "I'll achieve this because I can." And if you truely believe this, nothing else matters. The apathy will dissapear, correspondingly disintegrating any lethargic feelings, and then your competence and capability will shine. Before you know it, you'll have conquered and achieved what you once thought was tough or impossible, and suceeded where others have doubted you. This will only establish your independence, and further amplify your self-confidence, making you a stronger person in the end. The commitment is the only thing that's tough, as well as maintaining this mindset, but if you really set your mind to it, you'll do it. And this is the smart way.

And then, there will be no need for you wish for a hiatus in your life ever again.

---

I don't know who wrote it ... I really wish I could find out somehow.
So far it's no one I know in real life so that only leads to some online people and possibly some oversea friends. But whoever wrote it sounds like he/she knows this blog.
O_O Meaning he/she knows both sides of myself (other blog plus this one)

I'm just grateful that I read that comment before it was too late. I really was thinking of quiting school, and start rolling downhill from there.
But I'm ok now.
:) I did all of my exams.. just one more to go.
Hopefully I pass all of them.
Gotta go now.
Later!

1:58pm: No One
It's been months since the last time I wrote an entry here. I can't remember the last time I did it.
Anyways, my self-esteem's really taking a plunge. I don't like myself nowadays. I don't like how I look regardless the countless compliment my posh-friend. I seriously think she's only doing that to make myself feel better.

Today, I went up to the St. Clair area to pick up some stuff for my mom and my sister right after my morning exam. It was math by the way. So I went in and found out that the people there are late from the traffic. I guess late night snow storms can have that effect.

The office building is up on the second floor, where they have this area open (kinna like a patio but on the second floor). I went outside and stood there by the patio-like area staring at cars passing by. Then I started thinking about whether I can do it. It being University and my program. If I can't do the program I'm in right now.. then what else can I take? I can't go to anything bio-related and I have no interest taking anything business related programs. Right now I'm on the brink of failing.

'I guess I'm not competent to stay in a University'

I cried silently. Fortunately it was 10 in the morning so the place was deserted. Christmas songs were playing from this particular store that was around the area, and uhh that didn't help. It actually made it more difficult to hold back the tears. Looking at Christmas decorations usually cheers me up, but not this time. Then I tried to think of the plans I have for the winter break - meeting up with my good friends and ski - but that did not work as well.
I went downstairs to the streets, walking with my face down sniffling silently. 'I hope no I know sees me right now'..... even though I was in dire need to talk to somebody.
But who?
Of course I have a lot of great friends, but the thought of me just letting out eveything on a single person is.. well.. rude. I dunno... I just don't want to burden anybody. They have their own problems already and usually I'm the one that cheers them up. How would they be able to cope with their problems if they see a guy who's usually happy breaking down?
Most of my friends see me as the carefree-type-of-guy. It's like I'm expected to not have breakdowns like this. My family thinks of me like this the same way - the calm one.

So who am I suppose to talk to?
I felt so useless and lonely that I just want to talk to a friend and hug them.

-most of my good friends left this city and are now living in residence. i would call long-distance, but i don't want to bother them from their studies
-i lost contact with her and the only way to establish communication with her is via MSN Messenger (laptopless) and she wouldn't be at home... or at school for that matter
-she's mostly at work, and I don't want to burden her with more problems
-it would be nice to talk to my posh-friend, but she has her exams to worry about (besides she's already having problems with her boyfriend)
-thinking of talking to my guy best friend (knew each other since Grade 6), but who knows where he is

I can't just pick out any random friend for this kind of talk. See, it's not just about me and school... it's also .. well, the confusing thing I had been trying to figure out throughout High School.
The entire purpose of creating this LJ account.

I don't mean to offend anyone, but when I was about to accept that maybe I am gay, I just ran away from the topic and tried to conditioned myself (psychologically).
How?
Well, I went back to watching porn, but this time it was 100%-pure-straight porn. That way exposing myself to that may change my way of thinking. I mean, the only reason why I think of guys the way I think of them now is because someone had introduced me to guy/guy fanfictions.
I can't believe we even had a phone conversation where we would take turns "writing out" a gay fictional story that included ME in it.
(Again I don't mean to offend anyone)
Actually, now I fully regret something in my life.... doing that! Getting exposed to such things. Or getting exposed at anything at all!
I never did want to blame anybody for it, but it's like I just want to turn back time and tell that friend of mine to do not talk of such things. She was so into it at one point that she said she would find me a boyfriend. I was guessing back then that maybe she just wants to see us make out or something.
Well whatever the reason, that's the past now.

I don't like the skin I'm in. After University has started my skin problems worsen - must be stress? And now, not only I don't like myself physically, but mentally as well. Oh and the whole problem with myself emotionally - it's like I'm being pulled towards both opposite ways (gay/notgay). But that whole sexual orientation is currently not on top of my head right now. I guess I can say I'm bi-curious?
It's the school I'm worried about the most.
Also, the reason why I can't really tell anybody is because I'm ashamed of my own marks.

Now that I think about it... perhaps it was better when I had that fever.
(I had a fever in the middle of the exam week. It just went away)

I went back into the office and picked up the stuff, then I went up North to look for my guy best friend (the one I knew since Grade 6). I called his home number, and no answer. I looked around everywhere except the school. It was 12:30pm. Either a) he's sleeping on his bed or b) he's out with his other friends (who by the way are mostly older than him and smokes/drinks - won't be surprised if they also do drugs). This friend of mine stopped going to school since Grade 11. He missed out way too many classes that he probably needs another two years to get his credits, and I don't think he would have the patience to sit in all of those classes. I think he believes he can't do it, but isn't that called being a coward if they don't even try?

So SCREW HIM!
'There's no one here for me anymore' then got on the bus to go home.

2:43am: University + Work
University started two weeks ago.
And I'm currently adjusting to my sudden change in my social life. Yep... back to my uber quiet, lonely self. I don't know anybody in my school and the students in my department are just too serious. It's like they only communicate to ask questions to help themselves academically.
It it wasn't for my 120% course load I would feel very lonely. The hundreds of tasks to do will probably keep me too busy to make me realize how lonely I am.

Also, the overall first-year students in my university look mature ... as if they're all at least two years older than I am. Or maybe it's just me -_-"
If it wasn't for my height they would probably mistaken me as a junior high school student >_<

Anyways, this unversity I attend is really close to the "gay scene" of the city. And the city I live in is Toronto.. so just imagine how open they are in that area.
I've only been in that area twice: first time was 2 years ago, and the second time was a few weeks after the first time. I had to buy these special markers for a friend of mine and the closest store is located really close to that area. So.. I know this may sound stupid and all.. but in a way I sorta expected a lot of gay people in that university.
Well... so far I saw only 2 or 3.

Since I'm onto that topic.
A few days ago this woman I usually work with told me how there's a rumour concerning about me going around the company.
"So what is it?" I asked her.
"They're 120% sure that you're gay," she told me.
O_O 120 freakin' percent?! I wonder who "they" is. I asked her, but she wouldn't tell me. I was somewhat relieved to find out that "they" doesn't mean ALL of my fellow co-workers.
There was a long pause and she then broke the silence with, "So... are you gay?"
I obviously said no to that question, "Urmm.. Hmm... no"
"Well, I think you are. Just by the way you answered to that question and the way you present yourself. Oh and that jacket of yours."
From then on, I just didn't want to talk to her at all. I would've walked outta there, but I had to work.
Oh and the jacket she was referring to was this new jacket I recently bought from Borderline.
This black goth jacket that has a straightjacket style with two handcuffs hangning out on the front. I don't know why they think it's a gay-thing to wear.... I personally like it.


Sooo yeah...
some of my co-workers think I'm gay.
Now I get paranoid whenever I'm at work.
I now have to watch everything I do.... just so they wouldn't get the impression that I'm not straight or anything.

Well, gotta go so sleep.
Later!

3:45am: Mr. Emotional
Just got home from work. I need the money.
:( For a guy that makes more than the usual part time wage.... I'm broke!
Both gym buddies of mine's bank account has way more than I have in mine.

Anyways...
Today's (counting 2am is the next day: Sunday) the day my green eyed friend and my female gym buddy are leaving for University of Waterloo. My goodbyes with them involved me in tears (obviously.. I'm just Mr. Emotional).
Friday [09.02.05]: After hanging out all together, my female gym buddy and I went to the gym. The three most memorable moments of that time were 1)She and I both singing along Our Lady Peace's Innocent while running on our threadmill, 2)Saying my final goodbye to her with held back tears and also giving her a goodbye hug, and 3)My green eyed friend rushing to get home right after he picked up his N64 at my place.

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... also giving her a goodbye hug...

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Actually, memory number (3) was made up on the following day - Saturday [09.03.05]. I asked my sister to drive me at his place before heading to work.
On the way there I explained to my sister why I asked to be dropped off at his place and she made a comment, "So that's why you were sad..."
She knew I was sad? I was bitching at her earlier because she was asking me to do a favour for her, but I said "no".
>_< Now I feel bad for bitching at her earlier.

"Are you gonna cry?" she asked me.
Right before I could say "no" tears started to swell up in my eye...
'What the hell? I'm not even feeling THAT sad'. I thought I cried out all the tears from the night before.. but I guess not.
Well.. luckily, I wasn't bawling my eyes out. They were just tears.
Then I guess she sensed something and started to comfort me.
WHICH is something new.
Any of my family member don't talk to one another like that. You know.. that as in consoling somebody.. comforting somebody. Sure we all know we care for one another, but it was never put in action.
"Don't worry. Waterloo's not that far from here. Hey, maybe you can take the Greyhound bus there someday. There's weekends and holidays. Besides... you won't be able to meet up with them in weekdays because of school," she said.
I stopped wiping my tears and turned my head to directly look at my sister. 'Did she really say all that?' I asked myself. Wow... unbelieavable. I didn't now family can be so ... "friendly".
Of course some may say, "DUH! They're your family, you nimrod!"
Well, since at a very young age I knew my family's there for me... but I've always... put my friends before family.

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I've always put my friends before family

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Anyways, my green eyed friend's mom forbade him to leave the house because he had to finish packing or something.
The plan was to just drop by and say "bye" but he verbally forced me to go in his house. Oh, I finally got to see his bedroom. I think one can learn a lot from another one's bedroom. I saw lots of soccer trophies and old sports jerseys. He showed me lots of neat stuff as well. We went downstairs to play Smash Brothers. Unfortunately, that didn't last very long because I had to go to work. We said our goodbyes and shook hands.
That was the most memorable moment for that day.

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We said our goodbyes and shook hands.

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Rushing to go upstairs to the RT in McCowan Station, I felt a sense of happiness. No, I didn't cry again after meeting up with him. I guess it's something he and my sister said that made my cheery outlook of the future. I didn't say the stuff I initially to say to both of them.
C'mon, they're just going to be away for 4-5 years...
It's not like I'm gonna die or never ever see them ever again! *knocks on wood*

1:47am: Time's Moving Too Fast!
Ahh!
It's September!!!!
I can't believe it.
-_-

Oh and to make things worse gym buddies are leaving THIS Sunday!
Goodbye Summer
Goodbye hanging out with them. They weren't just my gym buddies.. they were actually my closest friends!
U_U

:(

I'll miss those days we hang out and talk in person. Sure there's the net and our cell phones to keep contact, but it's not the same in person.
And I guess I'll have to workout all by myself now :(

Actually... i'm really bummed out that they're leaving, but in the same time I'm really excited for them.
C'mon.. they get their own place!
It's wayy better getting your own room.
T_T wait a minute.. they always did have their own room
>_< I'm the only one who shares it with somebody.

But yeah.. they're gonna live by themselves.

your room -> your space -> your decorations -> your stuff -> your life.
must be a nice experience :)


ACK, this bittersweet feeling.

time's moving way too fast.
Next week is the starting of classes
O_O First time I'll attend my university class.

OH yeah... my orientation day sucked.
I never felt so alone in such a long time.
Yeah... I spent the first 7 years of my life in solitude (somewhat an anti-social :p), but that all changed when I moved into Toronto. I dunno...
Oh and that changed more when I got close to my friends... I actually started talking to them.
Like babble nonstop.
The turning point was probably when a coworker was talking to my best friend about me and said, "Yeah, he's weird. The first time I talked to him, he'd just sit there and say 'oh' or 'ok', but now he can't shut up!"
Of course she was joking.. right?
lol

So i went from a really quiet guy to a guy who can't shut his mouth.. and I have a strong feeling that I'll convert back to my quiet self once University starts -_-
I dunno.. that day - at the orientation - I just..
I guess the people and environment was so new to me that I couldn't open up and be myself (the talkative side). I told myself to be more open and actually take the initiative to make friends.. but that day was a disappointment.
I hardly talked... only to ask directions and what to do.
And it has been a while since I haven't talked for a long time period.
It must've been hours until I finally called my female gym buddy.
Her first comment was, "You sound different."
-_- Yeah.. my voice sounded different because it hasn't been used for the past 6 hours.

And when everybody was in the lecture hall for this presentation... I just felt so left out.
Everybody was so different... mentally AND physically.
They all sounded so smart and carefree at the same time!
Plus, it looked like they were those people in that new Weezer music video: Beverly Hills.
Yeah.. most of them were caucasians: tall, white, blonde (or light coloured hair), and has muscular physique.
To them.. I must've looked like a junior high school student.

I guess I'll see them next week...